How Can I Help My Child?

[Roamer]

No, this isn't for me. Thank goodness mine all made it safely into adulthood.

I have been speaking with a couple posters here, though, whose adult children are taking drugs. Some prescription, some illegal.

I'd like to ask you who have stuggled with this problem to share your stories and show them what a good place this can be when help is needed.

TIA to everyone for your responses. :1222423:

[Buddeelove]

We see the word Child and we think of youth, but my child is 35 years old and I still remember his laughter from when he was young.

My child has a gray cloud that goes with him. He had been out of jail after 30 days and was out for 4days and was drunk or drugged on prescription drugs the entire 4 days. He had no place to go because he had allowed someone to stay at his place and the guy burned it down. So we brought him here. We could not stand it so last nite we took him and dropped him off at short term hospital care and today I will try to get him placed in long term.???

My question is...What do we do? Where can we put him? He will destroy us if we bring him here and I cannot put one of mine on the street. I just cannot do that.

What do we do?????????

[Sumanadevii]

We see the word Child and we think of youth, but my child is 35 years old and I still remember his laughter from when he was young.

My child has a gray cloud that goes with him. He had been out of jail after 30 days and was out for 4days and was drunk or drugged on prescription drugs the entire 4 days. He had no place to go because he had allowed someone to stay at his place and the guy burned it down. So we brought him here. We could not stand it so last nite we took him and dropped him off at short term hospital care and today I will try to get him placed in long term.???

My question is...What do we do? Where can we put him? He will destroy us if we bring him here and I cannot put one of mine on the street. I just cannot do that.

What do we do?????????

Buddeelove, as a parent this makes us totally helpless. We wish we had a magic cure or a pill or could just stop the madness but we can't. Tough love sounds good but most parents cannot do that...back they go over and over trying to save their child. If we allow them to stay, they can destroy us both emotionally and financially. If we pay for their housing, we are enabling them to continue on their path of destruction. There are resources out there to help us and I would know where to send you in my state (Missouri). The hospital social worker would be a good starting point. He/she can direct you to programs in your area.

I know you want to be of help to you child but one of the biggest no-no's is handing them cash for anything. Buy it...Pay it. but don't give them monies to get themselves into more and more trouble. Don't give him any large ticket items (computers, televisions, cars) that he can sell for cash...Let him know that you love him and that your hope is to watch him become healthy again. Let him know you understand it is a disease and that he will need to be strong strong strong and fight for his very life. Try to find an organization that will support you and your husband emotionally during this time. It is good to be around other parents that loves their kids and are living the same nightmare.

I wish you well, my friend.

[DDawg]

I suggest attending Al-Anon or a similar group (for friends/ family members of substance abusers).

[mosgranny]

Buddeelove, tough love is the hardest. No it isn't easy so prayers to you and yours.

Some years back I was concerned that my middle child had once again found the need to pertake in some crack. I spoke with my Dr about what choices I had as his mother. Here is the story he shared with me about his own son.

He told of his son in and out of rehabs, that nothing they did was ever the right choice for him, since the boy was not even trying to help himself out.

So the good Dr told me on the third time he and his wife went to pick the son up from rehab, after the boy was settled in the back seat he was handed a large envelope, inside was a pre-paid furneral for the son. The Dr said he told his son, they had done all they knew how and since he (the child) wasn't helping, this was the next best thing they knew to do for him, as he would soon be needing it.

The Dr said he did not know if it was the shock of seeing that or the thought that the boy knew they were thru with him, but for whatever reason he never knew of another time his some did drugs.

[Trailblazer]

I don't know if you've tried...but I just did a search on the net and this is the first site I came up with...maybe it will help...http://prescriptiondrugaddiction.com/

You might try doing a search on dealing with drug addiction and see if maybe that will give you any info that might help you...

My heart breaks for you Buddee and you and your family are in my prayers...:1222423:

[Buddeelove]

I think the prepaid funeral might be something we could do. I have sent email to his other brothers and sisters and maybe they will get it too. They say he should get a job! they have no clue of how sick he is.

thanks to all of you and any help is welcome

[Roamer]

Buddee, does your son want help? Because if he doesn't, there's nothing you or anyone else can do.

Rehab won't help him at all until he admits he has a problem and addresses it head on.

Sometimes brothers and sisters see things more clearly than we parents, because to us, they're still our babies. Trouble is, they're not. They're grown ups, and these are the choices they're making. Bad ones, to be sure, but their choices. Sometimes we just have to sit back and love them, but not enable them in any way.

Suman gave you some good advice, IMO. If he needs something and you want to buy it, buy it and hand it to him, but don't give him cash for any reason, or anything expensive that he can sell for drugs.

I know more people will see this later on, and hopefully someone can give you advice you can use. It's heartbreaking to see our kids in pain, but sometimes, they have to fix it themselves.

:1222423:

[Roenick]

Buddee, does your son want help? Because if he doesn't, there's nothing you or anyone else can do.
Rehab won't help him at all until he admits he has a problem and addresses it head on.
Sometimes brothers and sisters see things more clearly than we parents, because to us, they're still our babies. Trouble is, they're not. They're grown ups, and these are the choices they're making. Bad ones, to be sure, but their choices. Sometimes we just have to sit back and love them, but not enable them in any way.
Suman gave you some good advice, IMO. If he needs something and you want to buy it, buy it and hand it to him, but don't give him cash for any reason, or anything expensive that he can sell for drugs.
I know more people will see this later on, and hopefully someone can give you advice you can use. It's heartbreaking to see our kids in pain, but sometimes, they have to fix it themselves.
:1222423:



I don't have children and have never touched a drug in my life, but I wanted to let you know there are good people here to give you advice and comfort.

My uncle was a drug addict. He's been clean 13 yrs (minus smoking pot) and I can actually tolerate being in a room with him. He was recently diagnosed with cancer and his daughters who he has not seen in over 20 yrs came to visit him.
He has really changed in the 13 yrs. The thing is, he wanted to get clean. My grandparents blamed themselves for all his problems, they spent numerous hours worrying, being mad, being hurt. They spent thousands and thousands of dollars in rehabs for him. He stole from them, lied to them... he hurt everyone in the family either physically or emotionally. He ruined his relationships with family, his daughters....
But when he was ready to get sober, he did. I think it took my grandfather almost dying but it was ultimately my uncles doing to get clean.

You and your husband and possible your other children could look into AA for the family. This is so you can learn the behavior of your son and what he may be going through or try against you. This is not your fault, so don't beat yourself up. He is sick but until he wants to get help nothing is going to make him better.
Do not enable him and his drug abuse. I can't imagine what it would be like to turn your back on him - Don't fully close the door but don't leave it open without setting guidelines for him.


:love0085: Hugs and prayers for you, your family and son.

[Isabella]

A wonderful group for anyone who needs and wants help is Celebrate Recovery It is a Faith based program with location all over the World. http://www.celebraterecovery.com/archived/global.shtml

[Pretty Leaf]

My son had a major drug problem when he was 16. I have told this on other boards but he stole from the Hell's Angels. I won't go through all of the dealing we had with them so they would not "break his legs", so to speak. In effect my whole family DH , me and other DS was at risk.

We ended up paying $5000.00 the amount that he stole but they demanded double. We had a person who was an insider in organized crime who brokered the deal.(distant relative) I am talking reallly scary times, code words and all.


He had stolen savings bonds and cashed them. They were in our unlocked file case, but when looking for money he searched everywhere. He pawned my fathers ring that he left me and so many other thing, He almost emptied my freezer and sold the meat to friends for drugs. I would go to get steaks and none in there and I would question "did we already eat that? or ribs and chicken ect. He stole little by little.


That was it. Rehab or streets. I lucked onto a 6 month inhouse rehab with any opening and he didn't want to go but we threatened calling the police and he went, spent the 6 months in 2002 got out in 2003 and as far as I know from other son, he doesn't do anything but drink "to me bad enough", but he has a job and saving for his 1st place he is 23 now. We have had some rough patches and some legal problems with him that had nothing to do with drugs but rather his big mouth. So now we hope he has turned his life around.

If it happens again he is out on the street, live in a shelter or on someones couch but I will wipe my hands of him and he knows it. We are going on 50, had our kids early hoping for a early quite retirement. He had his chance and I will not let a 20 or 30 something screw with my life anymore.

So tough love..there is the door. As hard as that is I will not be used as an enabler anymore.

[Roamer]

Wow, Pretty Leaf. You and your son were dealing with some pretty heavy hitters. Glad things turned out okay.

Parents can only do so much. We raise them the best we can, but sometimes they go in the opposite direction.

[Buddeelove]

My son had a major drug problem when he was 16. I have told this on other boards but he stole from the Hell's Angels. I won't go through all of the dealing we had with them so they would not "break his legs", so to speak. In effect my whole family DH , me and other DS was at risk.

We ended up paying $5000.00 the amount that he stole but they demanded double. We had a person who was an insider in organized crime who brokered the deal.(distant relative) I am talking reallly scary times, code words and all.


He had stolen savings bonds and cashed them. They were in our unlocked file case, but when looking for money he searched everywhere. He pawned my fathers ring that he left me and so many other thing, He almost emptied my freezer and sold the meat to friends for drugs. I would go to get steaks and none in there and I would question "did we already eat that? or ribs and chicken ect. He stole little by little.


That was it. Rehab or streets. I lucked onto a 6 month inhouse rehab with any opening and he didn't want to go but we threatened calling the police and he went, spent the 6 months in 2002 got out in 2003 and as far as I know from other son, he doesn't do anything but drink "to me bad enough", but he has a job and saving for his 1st place he is 23 now. We have had some rough patches and some legal problems with him that had nothing to do with drugs but rather his big mouth. So now we hope he has turned his life around.

If it happens again he is out on the street, live in a shelter or on someones couch but I will wipe my hands of him and he knows it. We are going on 50, had our kids early hoping for a early quite retirement. He had his chance and I will not let a 20 or 30 something screw with my life anymore.

So tough love..there is the door. As hard as that is I will not be used as an enabler anymore.years ago, we passed one of the gangs on the freeway and I told the kids, do not look, they might hurt us. I feel for you

[african grey]

years ago, we passed one of the gangs on the freeway and I told the kids, do not look, they might hurt us. I feel for you

Buddeelove you are definately not alone. My oldest has done drugs, been in and out of rehab and steals for a living. He was in prison for 4 years and last week he was picked up again for the same offense, theft of an automobile that is probably not worth $400.00. I have spent the last 38 years of my life trying to keep up with this child and yes he can bring me to my knees and he knows it. Thankfully the younger one (who can also bring me to my knees does not drink, smoke or do drugs and holds a steady job).

Right now he is in the county jail, he has been there for 2 weeks. His brother went to see him and the only thing youngest could get out of the oldest is that if Mom will come and get him out ($1000.00) for a $10,000 bond) then he will be able to get this all straightened out.

But after 38 years I am tired. Just worn out from his actions. I worry about him constantly and I know he is an adult. But this time my brain seems to have shut down on the worry. I am pretty sure he will go back to prison and I don't know if I am able to travel down that road with him again. Oh yeah, he blames me, for all his troubles. If I had been a better mohter, if I had not divorced his dad, if I had not gone to work every day, if I had more money so he could have had what the other kids had. I went to counseling because I almost broke down completely.

I still have not learned how to not want to take care of him. I have not stopped loving him. But I guess there comes a time when parents have to step back and say OK, this is your life, do with it as you want. Because we really do not have any control over their lives, they control our lives and keep us from ever really feeling that we have done our job to the best of our ability.

I don't have any sage advice for you, just that I can relate. I have tried everything and I do feel like a complete failure as a parent. My family does not give me any support, they are more upset that there is a felon in the family so I walked this road alone until I met my husband.

I plan to leave him in jail this time. I had the jail block my work number so he cannot call me and my cell stays off most of the time. I have to let him work this out himself. I will stop by the jail this weekend and leave some money on the books so he can get shaving gear, etc., but that is all. I don't plan to see him or do anything that will give him the power to take advantage. It is just to hard and the road to long. And as long as he is in jail, while he is not really safe, he is away from drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, and has three meals and day and a warm place to sleep.

I hope things get better for you soon.

:1222423:

AG

[rockford2]

Buddeelove, tough love is the hardest. No it isn't easy so prayers to you and yours.

Some years back I was concerned that my middle child had once again found the need to pertake in some crack. I spoke with my Dr about what choices I had as his mother. Here is the story he shared with me about his own son.

He told of his son in and out of rehabs, that nothing they did was ever the right choice for him, since the boy was not even trying to help himself out.

So the good Dr told me on the third time he and his wife went to pick the son up from rehab, after the boy was settled in the back seat he was handed a large envelope, inside was a pre-paid furneral for the son. The Dr said he told his son, they had done all they knew how and since he (the child) wasn't helping, this was the next best thing they knew to do for him, as he would soon be needing it.

The Dr said he did not know if it was the shock of seeing that or the thought that the boy knew they were thru with him, but for whatever reason he never knew of another time his some did drugs.


Been down this road with my mom and I can tell you, I don't know how much harder this will be for me IF my son was to go down this road as well.

I was enabling my Mom by going to her home and making sure she ate, did not pass out and hit her head on something, (that happened so many times) paid her bills, did not drive drunk, helped her stand to take showers and so on.

The day i HAD to turn my back on her was pure agony, but after my youngest sister died, I just couldn't watch another family member die. I told her she was on her own and she had 2 choices: to live or to die. But gone were the days that if she hit her head on something was I going to make sure she made it to the hospital, or got her to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning.

She chose life.

I am here on this messagboard if you want to talk. Please never forget that. I care.

[PatC]

years ago, we passed one of the gangs on the freeway and I told the kids, do not look, they might hurt us. I feel for you

Not to preach or anything, but I hope you understand that not every motorcycle club is the same. Not every "biker" is the stereotypical "Hells Angel" capable of breaking your legs over a wrong look. The vast majority of motorcycle riders are just like you or me with the exception that they have fallen in love with the thrill of the open road... with that special feeling you get that is like no other when you're astride a magnificent piece of machinery that thrums beneath you with power and lets you enjoy a ride in the country like no other vehicle and enjoy the special camaraderie that comes from getting together with other riders on a beautiful sunny day and riding across the countryside.

I know you've heard (obviously) of the Hells Angels, but I don't know if you've ever heard the expression, "one-percenter". It refers to their being only a small fraction of motorcycle riders who are "outlaws" with the vast majority being law abiding citizens.

The 99 percenters not only enjoy the riding experience but they do some truly wonderful things. Here in my little town in south Mississippi every year for the last 15 or so years there has been a Toys for Tykes motorcycle run where riders from all over the area get together one Saturday in October and form a parade through town to the center of town where there is a memorial to veterans, there they have a little ceremony honoring veterans, then they proceed to some predetermined place (the local VFW the last few years) where a group of us provide donated food and there is another Veteran's remembrance. The fee for participating in this event is the donation of a toy or money to buy toys for local needy children. We usually have around 200 bikes in the parade.

Another little known but very effective motorcycle organization is Bikers Against Child Abuse (BACA) (http://www.bacausa.com/)

For the record, the heavy black leather jackets and chaps worn by many riders are not a symbol of anything except protection. If a rider does happen to "lay it down", that layer of thick cowhide can and does provide wonderful protection from a serious case of "road rash".

All that being said if defense of the majority of motorcycle riders -- if you run into someone proudly displaying on his vest or jacket a bright yellow diamond embroidered with a 1%, your best bet is to give avoid them.

OK, PatC is climbing (carefully) off her soapbox now.

[Roamer]

I must agree with your post, Pat. Most bikers are good people with jobs and families. We used to ride until aches and pains crept up on us, lol.

Here's a site that one of our members gave me... anyone who doubts bikers and their intentions should take a look. http://www.patriotguard.org/

These are the guys that ride sentry at funerals and keep the fanatics away from the family. They are just one of most good guy biker groups.

[Buddeelove]

Yesterday we had meeting at hospital and all heard what son, myself and hubby had to say. I was very honest and stated I had called a funeral home for preburial rates. I also stated how easy it would have been to give the DRUNK all of his prescription drugs and killed him and no one would have ever known but I could not do it so this told me he could not come home and had to help himself. I also told him I loved him but at this point I loved his dad and myself more.

They found a bed at a halfway house and it is $90. a week and we agreed to pay for one month. He will continue to get therapy and he also has certain requirements and if he breaks a rule he is out!

I have very positive thoughts his way and we all need your prayers.

From my heart I thank you all

[Roamer]

Best of luck to your family, Buddee. You're exactly right, IMO. It's time for him to help himself. Sometimes, the best thing we can do for them is to let go for awhile, and when they see no one is going to enable them, they take control of their own lives. In the meantime, we gain back control of our own.

[sweetcharlotte]

Yesterday we had meeting at hospital and all heard what son, myself and hubby had to say. I was very honest and stated I had called a funeral home for preburial rates. I also stated how easy it would have been to give the DRUNK all of his prescription drugs and killed him and no one would have ever known but I could not do it so this told me he could not come home and had to help himself. I also told him I loved him but at this point I loved his dad and myself more.

They found a bed at a halfway house and it is $90. a week and we agreed to pay for one month. He will continue to get therapy and he also has certain requirements and if he breaks a rule he is out!

I have very positive thoughts his way and we all need your prayers.

From my heart I thank you all

Buddee, sending prayers your way for strength and courage to help you and your husband through the ordeal. Prayers to your son for relief from his addiction.

((((((Hugs)))))))

[african grey]

Yesterday we had meeting at hospital and all heard what son, myself and hubby had to say. I was very honest and stated I had called a funeral home for preburial rates. I also stated how easy it would have been to give the DRUNK all of his prescription drugs and killed him and no one would have ever known but I could not do it so this told me he could not come home and had to help himself. I also told him I loved him but at this point I loved his dad and myself more.

They found a bed at a halfway house and it is $90. a week and we agreed to pay for one month. He will continue to get therapy and he also has certain requirements and if he breaks a rule he is out!

I have very positive thoughts his way and we all need your prayers.

From my heart I thank you all

Buddee, I hope this works out for you. I know how hard it is to say no, I am still learning and the last few weeks have been especially hard for me. I love my son but he has to stop.

You and your hubby need to take a trip somewhere you like, even for a day and make an effort to put him out of your mind. At first it is hard to do that but it gets easier. You both need the break.

I will keep you in my prayers because I know this is the hardest thing a mother can go through and it sometimes feels like the world is going to crash in on you. It won't, and it will get easier.

In my thoughts and prayers.

AG
:1222423:

[Trailblazer]

Yesterday we had meeting at hospital and all heard what son, myself and hubby had to say. I was very honest and stated I had called a funeral home for preburial rates. I also stated how easy it would have been to give the DRUNK all of his prescription drugs and killed him and no one would have ever known but I could not do it so this told me he could not come home and had to help himself. I also told him I loved him but at this point I loved his dad and myself more.

They found a bed at a halfway house and it is $90. a week and we agreed to pay for one month. He will continue to get therapy and he also has certain requirements and if he breaks a rule he is out!

I have very positive thoughts his way and we all need your prayers.

From my heart I thank you all

Buddee...you and you family are in my thoughts and prayers...and I hope for the best outcome....May God be with you and yours....

:1222423::1222423:

[Buddeelove]

Buddee, I hope this works out for you. I know how hard it is to say no, I am still learning and the last few weeks have been especially hard for me. I love my son but he has to stop.

You and your hubby need to take a trip somewhere you like, even for a day and make an effort to put him out of your mind. At first it is hard to do that but it gets easier. You both need the break.

I will keep you in my prayers because I know this is the hardest thing a mother can go through and it sometimes feels like the world is going to crash in on you. It won't, and it will get easier.

In my thoughts and prayers.

AG
:1222423:Yesterday in our meeting I realized that our son has never understood the meaning of the two words CHOICE and CONSEQUENCES. As a teenager he would get in a car with a drunk driver!

Thanks again to all of you

[DesertWalker]

Stay strong Buddee. We're all holding your hand long distance and sending you some of our maternal stubborness.