Patterns of behavior

[windovervocalcords]

Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.

Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN

Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects .htm

[windovervocalcords]

I offer this thread because many of us here have survived trauma and violence. We may be particularly sensitized to power over relationships, and may perceive our experience, what we read through these lens.

I have seen the same behavior pattern (outlined above, which comes from a domestic violence resource) be expressed in a boss-employee relationship, in relationships between neighbors, teacher-student, parent-child and not just between intimate partners.

[awakening2lite]

Thanks for posting that wind, it's very helpful to be able to recognize patterns of behavior before they escalate into something dangerous.

[windovervocalcords]

Hi Awakening--

I recently observed a clinician at the local mental health agency where I work demonstrate these behaviors with someone he supervises and with clients.

I blew the whistle.

[awakening2lite]

It's so easy for one step to lead to another, especially in a chaotic or dramatic environment. As each step after the other is accepted or becomes normalized the next step is taken. The boundaries become smaller and smaller and more routine.

Whenever animal training is discussed, and I suppose it's true for people too, they find comfort in knowing the boundaries. Children and new pets are given small boundaries which expand with time and they are comfortable with that. It almost seems reasonable that the opposite could be true when the physic is assaulted, and maybe that had a role in how the victim remains a victim?

Knowledge seem to be the only weapon against this type of assault.

I wish a part of the education system dealt with life lessons, civic lessons and citizen issues more.

[windovervocalcords]

How to recognize abuse 101. Yep. Ought to be taught in school.

These patterns of behavior which are considered precursors to domestic violence are commonly demonstrated by many people who think of themselves as having power or authority.

[SaberGal]

Wow, Wind - thanks for posting this. As someone who survived being sexually abused as a child, (not by a parent but by a family member) this describes my abuser very accurately. It's definately worth mentioning that this not only applies to domestic violence situations but other abusive situations as well.

[windovervocalcords]

Exactly SaberGal--

It is safe to say that if you feel as those the pattern is in evidence--then you are being abused.

[windovervocalcords]

I just left a job where the supervisor acted out many of the above behaviors to me and to the clients we served:

Constantly keeps track of your time?
Acts jealous and possessive?
Accuses you of being disloyal?
Blames you when he mistreats you?
Claims you are responsible for his emotional state?
Tries to control you by being overly demanding?
Makes jokes that try to shame, humiliate, embarass or demean you?
Controls all the finances?
Discourages your connections with others?

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

[windovervocalcords]

SACRAMENTO -- Katina Britt of San Mateo was beaten unconscious by an ex-boyfriend and had struggled for years to forget. Then, after he was finally caught and arrested, a judge ordered her to describe her nightmare on the witness stand -- or go to jail.
She refused and was ordered to jail for contempt of court. She was spared only after an appeals court overturned the order.
On Thursday, Sen. Leland Yee, D-San Francisco, introduced legislation that would prevent anyone in Britt's situation from facing such a decision. Senate Bill 1356 would protect domestic violence victims from the threat of jail time -- and, unlike Britt, Yee said some victims have been locked up -- when they refuse to testify against their abuser in court.

The measure would abolish other punishment of victims who refused to testify, such as performing community service.

http://www.mercurynews.com/crime/ci_8334120

[windovervocalcords]

Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.3

On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day.

In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.28
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

[windovervocalcords]

The Power and Control model of Domestic Violence identifies power and control as the goal of all of these tactics of abuse because victims' experiences consistently indicate that the behavior of their partners is not random or arbitrary, but purposeful and systematic. The goal of abusers' behavior is to exert control over their partners. This goal reflects their belief that they have a right and entitlement to control their intimate partners. The various forms of abuse, the different behaviors, are used a tactics of control.

Examples of the various forms of abuse are:

Using Coercion and Threats

making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her

threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare

making her drop charges

making her do illegal things

Using Intimidation

making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures

smashing things

destroying her property

abusing pets

displaying weapons

Using Emotional Abuse

putting her down

making her feel bad about herself

calling her names

making her think she's crazy

playing mind games

humiliating her

making her feel guilty

Using Isolation

controlling what she does, who she sees, and talks to, what she reads, where she goes

limiting her outside involvement

using jealousy to justify actions

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously

saying the abuse didn't happen

shifting responsibility for abusive behavior

saying she caused it

Using Children

making her feel guilty about the children

using the children to relay messages

using visitation to harass her

threatening to take the children away

Using Male Privilege

treating her like a servant

making all the big decisions

acting like the "master of the castle"

being the one to define men's and women's roles

Using Economic Abuse

preventing her from getting or keeping a job

making her ask for money

giving her an allowance

taking her money

not letting her know about or have access to family income

Based on the Power and Control Model developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, Minnesota.

http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/about_dv/wheeltext.html

[windovervocalcords]

San Francisco - A study issued last week by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which finds that American Indian and Alaska Native women experience the highest rates of domestic violence, also highlights the need for health care providers to routinely screen their female patients for domestic and sexual violence.

The CDC’s survey, conducted in 2005 and released last week, finds that two in five Native women (39 percent) have been victims of intimate partner violence, compared with one in four women overall.
http://www.endabuse.org/press/releases.php3?Search=Article&ID=221

Victimization or intimate-partner violence in Indian country — you’re looking at it in epidemic proportions,” said Giacci. “For instance, 34 percent of American Indian/Alaska Native women will be raped in their lifetime. I think there are many reasons for domestic violence in the Indian community. One is resources; one is isolation in some areas — long ways to travel to report crimes. All of those combine to add to injuries occurring to Native American women and children.”
http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/ocean/host.php?folder=12&page=209

[windovervocalcords]

In a reservation community," Wilson said, "911 would dispatch police to a scene of domestic violence, but police would call the victim by cell phone and decide himself when or if he should go to the victim's home. Often the women would wait for an hour and other times the abuser would answer when the police called, and would say everything was fine, and there was no need for them to come. Native women... who called police for help were often revictimized by the police."

Native American women also stand a high risk of losing their children in instances of physical and sexual abuse. The women often will stay with abusive husbands in order to keep their children. In one case, a woman was beaten by her husband so badly that he broke bones and she was forced to seek refuge in a domestic abuse shelter. The husband, through support of his tribe, was able to gain custody of their two children. He continued his violent behavior, at one point, throwing their two-- year-old child across the room. The woman was never able to regain custody.

In addition to domestic abuse, Native American women also experience the highest levels of sexual abuse of any group. A report from the American Indian Women's Chemical Health Project found that three-- fourths of Native American women have experienced some type of sexual assault in their lives. However, most remain silent due to cultural barriers, a high level of mistrust for white-dominated agencies, fear of familial alienation, and a history of inactivity by state and tribal agencies to prosecute crimes committed against them.

Police and courts tend to ignore cases of violence involving Native American women due to alleged confusion between federal and tribal jurisdiction. Law enforcement and attorneys often are not schooled to deal with the cross-over in dealing between jurisdictions. Eileen Hudon, a sexual abuse counselor from the Minnesota Indian Women's Resource Center, said there is a "basic ignorance in the whole justice system." This causes blatant violations of the rights of Native American women. Technically, cases involving a non-Native American perpetrator and Native American victim fall under federal jurisdiction. According to the Department of Justice, 70% or more of violence experienced by Native American women is committed by persons not of the same race. The problem of violence against Native American women is exacerbated by federal apathy in law enforcement and the courts, and minimal funding for shelters, counseling, and education in Native American communities.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3820/is_200104/ai_n8935946

[windovervocalcords]

Asian and Pacific Island Institute on Domestic Violence:

WHO IS KILLED, AND BY WHOM?
WHO IS HARMED, AND BY WHOM?
By Firoza Chic Dabby
Who is getting killed and who is doing the killing?

Women killed by their abusers are the largest group of victims of intimate homicides. They include elderly women; lesbians; rural women; disabled women; pregnant women; sex-workers; women in the armed forces; married, divorced or separated women; professional women; immigrant, refugee or native-born women, etc. In addition to intimate partners, fathers-in-law, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law and mothers-in-law may participate in killings; or hire someone to do the killing. Some API women have expressed their fears of being killed here in the U.S. or being sent back to their home countries and killed there.

Women and men in same-sex relationships are victims of domestic violence related homicides, although such cases may be overlooked as intimate homicides.

Suicide Pacts of Elderly Couples — Violent deaths in elderly couples that appear to be suicide pacts or mercy killings should be carefully considered to see if they are domestic violence related homicides. In the majority of these deaths, it is the man who does the killing. If it is a botched suicide where the man does not die, then we should be particularly alert to the possibility of an intimate homicide. Elderly women in long-standing abusive marriages may be coerced into a suicide pact. The adult children of a couple dead in a suicide pact may also offer resistance to investigating the possibility of, or ruling out, homicide.

Homicide-Suicide —These can involve single or multiple homicides -of an intimate partner and/or children- followed by the abuser’s suicide. (Sometimes a “police assisted suicide” occurs where the killer forces a showdown with the police and is killed in the ensuing shootout.)

Abetted Suicides — Abused women who are tortured, depressed and severely isolated by batterers and by the community are ending their own lives. Although this does not amount to homicide, they are being driven to suicidal desperation. E.g., Central Asian Tajik brides are being tormented into committing suicide early in the marriage by self-immolation. In India, because ‘dowry deaths’ are often disguised as suicides, husbands and in-laws can be arrested for the felony offense of abetting a suicide.

Mother-Child Suicides —These cases involve mothers with long histories of severe domestic violence who attempt a joint suicide of themselves and their children. These cases differ from those where fathers kill their children and commit suicide: men typically use guns, kill their children whilst they were asleep, or in front of their mother, kill the partner they had been abusing, and kill themselves. Mothers in most of the cases we know about, are holding their children close to them and then jumping, mostly into water, or off a building, or using poison. What has happened in many of the cases we know about is that none, or one, or more of the children die, and the mother may or may not die in the suicide attempt. The mother is then charged with first degree murder or attempted murder. These mothers talk about feeling safer in jail than they did in their homes; about horrible prolonged abuse; about their deep despair; and the fear that no one would have cared for their children. One husband commented to the effect that his wife “was sitting in air-conditioned comfort in the jail and I’m left with this terrible child.” Deep as a battered women’s desperation may be, we do not condone mother-child suicides and we must work to prevent them from happening.

Honor Killings —In some cultures, women are considered to bring dishonor to their and/or their husband’s families by disobeying their wishes and asserting her own (e.g., trying to divorce or escape from her batterer). A family member kills her (or orders her killing) to restore honor to her and/or her husband’s family. Brothers, fathers and contract killers mostly carry out honor killings, often with the complicity of the mother.

Contract Killings – A batterer or a family member hires someone to kill his partner or one of her family members.

Killing her family members - API women describe threats against and/or murders of their family members in their home country; typically carried out or ordered by the batterer’s family.

Children and Teens — Children and teens are killed in domestic violence related deaths.
New intimates of a battered women get killed by her ex-partner.

Batterers — Batterers are killed by their abused female partners and sometimes by their teenage children who are trying to stop them from abusing their mothers.
http://www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute/CriticalIssues/dabby.htm

[windovervocalcords]

Minnesota has a Professional Republican Wife Beater in our legislature, Representative Mark Olson (R-Big Lake).

Olson, a Republican from Big Lake who was convicted of misdemeanor assault in July, also must pay nearly $400 in fines and court costs, attend a 12-week behavior-oriented workshop and have no contact with his wife, Heidi Olson. District Judge Alan Pendleton stayed a 90-day jail term.

Representative Olson, a very conservative Christian man who hates homosexuality and has run many legislative campaigns for a Minnesota constitutional amendment to express the fact. He also loves to fight with his wife Heidi and beat her up behind the garage. He denies this though. He told the judge during the trial that the opposite was true: That she beat him up… with the Holy Bible!

http://fruitfly.wordpress.com/2007/08/18/professional-republican-wife-beaters/

[NJ_Nurse]

I'm forever thankful I found this thread today!!!! I had no idea you had started a post on domestic violence, Wind.

I looked for this site because of something which happened to me yesterday....I was picking up my husband's shirts from the laundry when I noticed that the clerk had heavy make-up on, to hide what appeared to be a bruised nose and eyes. I semi-joked, "I know you didn't get hit by a door. Are you a victim of the domestic violence syndrome that is sweeping the country?"

She looked startled and mumbled, "Yes I am." I was horrified. We got to talking, and she reported that she has been a victim of her husband's emotional abuse for a number of years, but this week things turned physical. She admitted that she had always been careful not to upset him, because he is 6ft 5in and does not know his own strength, and has "accidently" hurt 2 nieces in the past.

She went to the hospital, had pictures taken, threw him out of the house, and now thinks if she takes more decisive action, she'll lose the house and the children will blame her for the family breaking up. He came back yesterday and she is petrified as to what to do.... I gave her some practical advice, based on people I know who have gone through the same thing.

Because of your web site at the start of this thread, I was able to contact a local agency which is willing to help this woman and her 2 children start a new pattern of living to break the cycle of abuse.

If you never post another thing on the Internet, please know that you may have saved the life of a woman who is desperate and very afraid. Thanks to you, the community has been alerted and help is there if she reaches out for it.

God bless you, Wind! :1222423: