Did You Survive an Abusive Childhood?

[Roamer]

I've seen so many posts on other threads about this, that I thought it should have one of its own.

Share only if you want to, and only what you feel comfortable with.

[grammybears]

yes I did suffer an abusive childhood. I was sexually abused and it took years for me to get over it. Now I find that I am more intuned to other victims who are abused. I can pick up on it more now and do what I can to speak up for the victims.

[Roenick]

I wasn't but my husband was. His was mostly mental but some physical.
His sister was also molested by one of the 'stepdads'. Mom doesn't believe either of them and tells them to deal with it and grow thicker skin, that's how life is.

Because the abuse continued into his 20's he found it normal and just dealt with it. It was hard on me to see because here was an amazing person who was treated poorly and hit upside the head in front of me. I hated it but they had control.
He's grown a lot in the last 7 yrs and sees it for what it was/is.

His siblings still are living with it but since he left, they loosened up the reigns but still play mind games with them.




I have so much amazement and belief in those that have survived abusive childhoods (and even relationships). Those probably aren't the right words...

For the ones that survived and became stronger people, For the ones that had a rough start and fought through it, For the ones that are still struggling and the ones that didn't make it :1222423::1222423::1222423:

[Sumanadevii]

I will make the history short. Born to parents of alcohol and drug abuse..I was the oldest girl with three younger sisters and an older brother. I do have memories of our possessions being put outside on the street. No schooling until I was in the fourth grade. Our father was in and out of jail. One of the worse beatings I took from him was being shoved in the toilet. I remember being dragged there and trying to keep up so he wouldn't pull my hair out. I only remember going down. I was five. Even with old age, the scars are still over my eye and on my lid. He ended up in jail for armed robbery and some other things. She divorced him. It wasn't enough. She met another abuser. Married him. We were stripped by this man. Whipped with belts and buckles and often. My savior was my grandfather. Who began protecting me. He was also sexually molesting me. He would fist fight with my step father to try saving me from beatings. At twelve, I knew it was wrong and went to my mother, he was paying half our rent. I was slapped for complaining. Told it was my turn. Life had handed her too much and she did not have time for the bs of a crying kid. I can't even begin to explain the pain of watching my baby sister being beaten and her body still jumping the next day. Or the day I tried to run to the police for help with the baby in my arms..I ran so fast and then stop..just stopped knowing I would get the same for telling..the horrible guilt...

I cannot explain how helpless abused children feel. How alone. How scared. How untrusting of others. By high school the teachers knew and how they tried to help. There were no laws. Would I talk? Hell, no. To tell them I thought they would then know exactly how very bad I was and they liked me. I had no idea I was a nice kid. No idea at all. In fact I was probably in my late thirties before I realized I had any worth at all.

And that folks..is what happens to abused children. It is normal for them.

[Roamer]

I'm so sorry to read what you went through. You should be extra proud of the wonderful, balanced, strong and loving women you have become, grammy and Sumani.

Roe, you know how I feel about your inlaws that treated your DH so horribly.

[Amusedtdth]

I will make the history short. Born to parents of alcohol and drug abuse..I was the oldest girl with three younger sisters and an older brother. I do have memories of our possessions being put outside on the street. No schooling until I was in the fourth grade. Our father was in and out of jail. One of the worse beatings I took from him was being shoved in the toilet. I remember being dragged there and trying to keep up so he wouldn't pull my hair out. I only remember going down. I was five. Even with old age, the scars are still over my eye and on my lid. He ended up in jail for armed robbery and some other things. She divorced him. It wasn't enough. She met another abuser. Married him. We were stripped by this man. Whipped with belts and buckles and often. My savior was my grandfather. Who began protecting me. He was also sexually molesting me. He would fist fight with my step father to try saving me from beatings. At twelve, I knew it was wrong and went to my mother, he was paying half our rent. I was slapped for complaining. Told it was my turn. Life had handed her too much and she did not have time for the bs of a crying kid. I can't even begin to explain the pain of watching my baby sister being beaten and her body still jumping the next day. Or the day I tried to run to the police for help with the baby in my arms..I ran so fast and then stop..just stopped knowing I would get the same for telling..the horrible guilt...

I cannot explain how helpless abused children feel. How alone. How scared. How untrusting of others. By high school the teachers knew and how they tried to help. There were no laws. Would I talk? Hell, no. To tell them I thought they would then know exactly how very bad I was and they liked me. I had no idea I was a nice kid. No idea at all. In fact I was probably in my late thirties before I realized I had any worth at all.

And that folks..is what happens to abused children. It is normal for them.

I'm so sorry for what you went thru. God! I can't even imagine. I was abused by an older brother,he was given a choice, jail or nam. He went to war. We still don't talk much but it's nothing compared to what you went through. Endurance! You did nothing wrong and you seem adjusted to that fact. Remember that, you were an innocent victim, we can't change the past but we can make our future.
Stay well!

[Sumanadevii]

I'm so sorry for what you went thru. God! I can't even imagine. I was abused by an older brother,he was given a choice, jail or nam. He went to war. We still don't talk much but it's nothing compared to what you went through. Endurance! You did nothing wrong and you seem adjusted to that fact. Remember that, you were an innocent victim, we can't change the past but we can make our future.
Stay well!

I was given two gifts very young..compassion and the gift to nurture. Very young I knew my life would be different from what I had and I would make it so. My siblings were not so lucky. Only one could hear me and today we are close. The others continued abusing either drugs or alcohol. We parted very young from them to protect ourselves. I went on to marry ..too young! but luckily to someone from a strong family with a mother willing to offer mothering skills to me. I birthed four sons adopting a fifth. The boys are healthy, educated young men today. I stand tall and proud of them and of ME.

After telling a friend once that I received the gift of compassion from the abuse she stated.."There are much easier ways to receive that gift!" And so she is right. Perhaps it was a birth gift and not from the abuse. Either way. I enjoyed gifts as we all do and my life has been full. There is suffering here. I am not alone in it. I tell my story for awareness. Listen for that crying child! Look into their eyes! They may not speak. You must try to hear their silent cries.

[Amusedtdth]

I was given two gifts very young..compassion and the gift to nurture. Very young I knew my life would be different from what I had and I would make it so. My siblings were not so lucky. Only one could hear me and today we are close. The others continued abusing either drugs or alcohol. We parted very young from them to protect ourselves. I went on to marry ..too young! but luckily to someone from a strong family with a mother willing to offer mothering skills to me. I birthed four sons adopting a fifth. The boys are healthy, educated young men today. I stand tall and proud of them and of ME.

After telling a friend once that I received the gift of compassion from the abuse she stated.."There are much easier ways to receive that gift!" And so she is right. Perhaps it was a birth gift and not from the abuse. Either way. I enjoyed gifts as we all do and my life has been full. There is suffering here. I am not alone in it. I tell my story for awareness. Listen for that crying child! Look into their eyes! They may not speak. You must try to hear their silent cries.

God Bless. This is so true!

[Grins]

Abuse makes me angry but reading all of your courageous posts my friends, I am very proud of you.

[Grins]

Monday through Friday we were normal good and happy =weekends were hell.
Dad got drunk Mom raged and it went on for hours=I always had to jump in between as it got to violence=so I had to stay and listen and be ready....
I was 5.

It never changed.
We never talked about it.
My belief system got some bad messages:
=If you cannot hit back, withdraw love
=to get love you must achieve and be a success
=wall out people who hurt you
=everyone will hurt you and abandon you so be ready to walk away
=my parents did not love me or they would not have put me through that hell for all those years
=if your parents did not love you, there is something terribly wrong with the real you so create a you for every situation...
and so on~

See how all my relationships were doomed before they began?
Those unhealthy and false beliefs remained to damage my life for over 50 years; then I changed them for healthy ones.
I learned:
Beliefs drive>Thinking>Feelings
>Behavior.
Years of fruitlessly trying to change my Behavior...
Then I traced Behavior back to a false Belief and changed it.
Now=Belief>I am lovable just as I am>Feelings confident to be the real me>Thinking relax and enjoy discovering me long hidden away>Behavior good relationships based upon honesty; self-esteem is earned by being born; love earned by loving not my achievements.

Every abuse prints false and unhealthy Beliefs on my Belief window through which I see myself and others and the World.

There is hope; I can change my Beliefs and me~

[incidentally]

I've thought a lot about posting on this thread but I am still not at a point, and probably never will be, where I feel comfortable to share the abuse I went through as a child and young adult.

Grins, your post is amazing. I keep coming back to read it. I think I'll just copy and paste it to word document, then print it out and carry it with me.

[Amusedtdth]

Monday through Friday we were normal good and happy =weekends were hell.
Dad got drunk Mom raged and it went on for hours=I always had to jump in between as it got to violence=so I had to stay and listen and be ready....
I was 5.

It never changed.
We never talked about it.
My belief system got some bad messages:
=If you cannot hit back, withdraw love
=to get love you must achieve and be a success
=wall out people who hurt you
=everyone will hurt you and abandon you so be ready to walk away
=my parents did not love me or they would not have put me through that hell for all those years
=if your parents did not love you, there is something terribly wrong with the real you so create a you for every situation...
and so on~

See how all my relationships were doomed before they began?
Those unhealthy and false beliefs remained to damage my life for over 50 years; then I changed them for healthy ones.
I learned:
Beliefs drive>Thinking>Feelings
>Behavior.
Years of fruitlessly trying to change my Behavior...
Then I traced Behavior back to a false Belief and changed it.
Now=Belief>I am lovable just as I am>Feelings confident to be the real me>Thinking relax and enjoy discovering me long hidden away>Behavior good relationships based upon honesty; self-esteem is earned by being born; love earned by loving not my achievements.

Every abuse prints false and unhealthy Beliefs on my Belief window through which I see myself and others and the World.

There is hope; I can change my Beliefs and me~

Completely Awesome! You've gained the ability to overcome and succeed and that my friend, is priceless!:zm10:

[Bayou Lass]

I did not have an abusive childhood but I was in an abusive marriage. I stayed in that marriage because of my insecurity and eventually my children. One day, I realized that this was affecting my children and knew that I had to get out of this situation. My children, especially my oldest son, saw some things happen to me that still make me cringe when I think back on them. My then-husband had affair after affair and when I decided after much soul-searching that I could and would make it on my own. Husband had taken the kids camping - with his girlfriend and I was so depressed at that point, feeling blue without them on a holiday, called my BFF who lived in Dallas and invited myself down for the holiday (Easter). I knew at that point that I did not want to go back to Omaha and decided enough was enough. I stayed over until the middle of the week - Monday, I rented an apartment for me and the kids, Tuesday I found a job (lucky me!), and on Wednesday, leaving my car at the airport flew back. I had called my husband and told him what I had done and to rent me a u-haul truck, decide what he wanted and what he wanted me to have and I would be leaving for Dallas on Saturday morning bright & early. He complied with everything that I asked for and I started packing our things. On Friday night, I checked us into a motel and that was that. He came by early on Saturday morning to see us off (now I had never in my life driven a truck the size that I was fixing to drive from Omaha to Dallas - talk about a nervous wreck). He then proceeded to tell me that he thought I was making a mistake and that he really had a problem with us leaving. Started crying and asked for us to please stay. Nope, I was not having any part of that performance. Told him what goes around, comes around and he would wind up a lonely old man. Put the kids in the truck, started it up, and never looked back one time. We finally divorced in 1979 and I have never re-married. Afraid? No, I did not want another situation like that and I never had a desire to marry again. Oh, I have had relationships with some very wonderful men, but never had the inclination to take it any further. Now years later, my boys have told me what it was like to see the abuse and it is a horror story. They do not have anything to do with their father anymore (that is another story for another time). No contact with him what-so-ever. He is in his mid-sixties, divorced (4 times), and alone. Yep, no wonderful memories to share with anyone, no children or grand-children to visit with or share holidays with - YEP, WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!! :shrug1:

[Bayou Lass]

Grins, you are a totally amazing person. I admire you so much. I see your posts on other threads and you have a wonderful sense of humor. You make me smile day after day!!!!!:love0085:

[Amusedtdth]

I did not have an abusive childhood but I was in an abusive marriage. I stayed in that marriage because of my insecurity and eventually my children. One day, I realized that this was affecting my children and knew that I had to get out of this situation. My children, especially my oldest son, saw some things happen to me that still make me cringe when I think back on them. My then-husband had affair after affair and when I decided after much soul-searching that I could and would make it on my own. Husband had taken the kids camping - with his girlfriend and I was so depressed at that point, feeling blue without them on a holiday, called my BFF who lived in Dallas and invited myself down for the holiday (Easter). I knew at that point that I did not want to go back to Omaha and decided enough was enough. I stayed over until the middle of the week - Monday, I rented an apartment for me and the kids, Tuesday I found a job (lucky me!), and on Wednesday, leaving my car at the airport flew back. I had called my husband and told him what I had done and to rent me a u-haul truck, decide what he wanted and what he wanted me to have and I would be leaving for Dallas on Saturday morning bright & early. He complied with everything that I asked for and I started packing our things. On Friday night, I checked us into a motel and that was that. He came by early on Saturday morning to see us off (now I had never in my life driven a truck the size that I was fixing to drive from Omaha to Dallas - talk about a nervous wreck). He then proceeded to tell me that he thought I was making a mistake and that he really had a problem with us leaving. Started crying and asked for us to please stay. Nope, I was not having any part of that performance. Told him what goes around, comes around and he would wind up a lonely old man. Put the kids in the truck, started it up, and never looked back one time. We finally divorced in 1979 and I have never re-married. Afraid? No, I did not want another situation like that and I never had a desire to marry again. Oh, I have had relationships with some very wonderful men, but never had the inclination to take it any further. Now years later, my boys have told me what it was like to see the abuse and it is a horror story. They do not have anything to do with their father anymore (that is another story for another time). No contact with him what-so-ever. He is in his mid-sixties, divorced (4 times), and alone. Yep, no wonderful memories to share with anyone, no children or grand-children to visit with or share holidays with - YEP, WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!! :shrug1:

:happy0158:KARMA IS A WONDERFUL THING - CONGRATS FOR BEING ANOTHER WONDERFUL SUCCESS STORY:1222423:

[Grins]

Bayou Lass and Amused I appreciate your comments. All who have suffered abuse and then go on to gather here to help with healing are Heroes to me.

[Roenick]

I want to say thanks to everyone that shared their personal stories. I'm glad you've taken the steps that have made you the person you today and that you are strong enough not only to cope with it but to share with others.

May you all exceed expectations of whatever your goals are in life - be happy and healthy.

[Grins]

It is good that we can participate here without telling our stories. Many are not ready now or ever. That is ok.

All are welcome to comment and ask questions. Enjoy the fellowship~I bring coffee and secret goodies ...

[Grins]

I want to say thanks to everyone that shared their personal stories. I'm glad you've taken the steps that have made you the person you today and that you are strong enough not only to cope with it but to share with others.

May you all exceed expectations of whatever your goals are in life - be happy and healthy.Beautifully said Roenick.

[Grins]

Hee Hee

I'll be danged if I'll let
others rain on my parade
may they roast in flames
without any marinade~~

Love, Grins

[Amusedtdth]

Hee Hee

I'll be danged if I'll let
others rain on my parade
may they roast in flames
without any marinade~~

Love, Grins

Ouch!

[Grins]

Ouch!Oooooooo not you my friend=you is in the gravy!!

:happy0207: :love0085:

[Grins]

Do you have a Toxic Person in your life?

"...* Know that when a person is toxic it is because of their own issues. Sometimes these issues can consist of mental illness. Accept that a toxic persons behavior has nothing to do with you. In life, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic people do not do this. They have a habit of turning things around so that you feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel like you are at fault. Remember that when dealing with a toxic person, they are responsible for their own actions, but often do not. Realize this and you take back your power..."

much more good stuff at
http://dailystrength.org/groups/thevent/news/view/950079

[KYGramma]

I did not have an abusive childhood but I was in an abusive marriage. I stayed in that marriage because of my insecurity and eventually my children. One day, I realized that this was affecting my children and knew that I had to get out of this situation. My children, especially my oldest son, saw some things happen to me that still make me cringe when I think back on them. My then-husband had affair after affair and when I decided after much soul-searching that I could and would make it on my own. Husband had taken the kids camping - with his girlfriend and I was so depressed at that point, feeling blue without them on a holiday, called my BFF who lived in Dallas and invited myself down for the holiday (Easter). I knew at that point that I did not want to go back to Omaha and decided enough was enough. I stayed over until the middle of the week - Monday, I rented an apartment for me and the kids, Tuesday I found a job (lucky me!), and on Wednesday, leaving my car at the airport flew back. I had called my husband and told him what I had done and to rent me a u-haul truck, decide what he wanted and what he wanted me to have and I would be leaving for Dallas on Saturday morning bright & early. He complied with everything that I asked for and I started packing our things. On Friday night, I checked us into a motel and that was that. He came by early on Saturday morning to see us off (now I had never in my life driven a truck the size that I was fixing to drive from Omaha to Dallas - talk about a nervous wreck). He then proceeded to tell me that he thought I was making a mistake and that he really had a problem with us leaving. Started crying and asked for us to please stay. Nope, I was not having any part of that performance. Told him what goes around, comes around and he would wind up a lonely old man. Put the kids in the truck, started it up, and never looked back one time. We finally divorced in 1979 and I have never re-married. Afraid? No, I did not want another situation like that and I never had a desire to marry again. Oh, I have had relationships with some very wonderful men, but never had the inclination to take it any further. Now years later, my boys have told me what it was like to see the abuse and it is a horror story. They do not have anything to do with their father anymore (that is another story for another time). No contact with him what-so-ever. He is in his mid-sixties, divorced (4 times), and alone. Yep, no wonderful memories to share with anyone, no children or grand-children to visit with or share holidays with - YEP, WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!! :shrug1:

BL,

our past lives sound so similar it is scary. Makes me really realize how many out there go through so much. I appreciate you sharing your story and commend you for your strength.

[rockford2]

I did not have an abusive childhood but I was in an abusive marriage. I stayed in that marriage because of my insecurity and eventually my children. One day, I realized that this was affecting my children and knew that I had to get out of this situation. My children, especially my oldest son, saw some things happen to me that still make me cringe when I think back on them. My then-husband had affair after affair and when I decided after much soul-searching that I could and would make it on my own. Husband had taken the kids camping - with his girlfriend and I was so depressed at that point, feeling blue without them on a holiday, called my BFF who lived in Dallas and invited myself down for the holiday (Easter). I knew at that point that I did not want to go back to Omaha and decided enough was enough. I stayed over until the middle of the week - Monday, I rented an apartment for me and the kids, Tuesday I found a job (lucky me!), and on Wednesday, leaving my car at the airport flew back. I had called my husband and told him what I had done and to rent me a u-haul truck, decide what he wanted and what he wanted me to have and I would be leaving for Dallas on Saturday morning bright & early. He complied with everything that I asked for and I started packing our things. On Friday night, I checked us into a motel and that was that. He came by early on Saturday morning to see us off (now I had never in my life driven a truck the size that I was fixing to drive from Omaha to Dallas - talk about a nervous wreck). He then proceeded to tell me that he thought I was making a mistake and that he really had a problem with us leaving. Started crying and asked for us to please stay. Nope, I was not having any part of that performance. Told him what goes around, comes around and he would wind up a lonely old man. Put the kids in the truck, started it up, and never looked back one time. We finally divorced in 1979 and I have never re-married. Afraid? No, I did not want another situation like that and I never had a desire to marry again. Oh, I have had relationships with some very wonderful men, but never had the inclination to take it any further. Now years later, my boys have told me what it was like to see the abuse and it is a horror story. They do not have anything to do with their father anymore (that is another story for another time). No contact with him what-so-ever. He is in his mid-sixties, divorced (4 times), and alone. Yep, no wonderful memories to share with anyone, no children or grand-children to visit with or share holidays with - YEP, WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND!!!! :shrug1:

It sure does, Bayou Lass! My father has only seen my 14 year old son 3 times in his lifetime. I Have not seen my father, nor spoken with him, since my sister died...6 years ago today.

My older cousin's first memory of her Uncle, (my father) was me sitting on the floor, ( I was 2 years old) crying...while my father chased my mother around a kitchen table with a knife. She had to call her father, (my father's brother) and she tried to get me out of the way as my father threatened to kill me and my mother.

My last memory was from '78' or '79' Saturday night. Premiere of Hart to Hart show. Parents went out to a party, and my sister was out. I had a rare night off from working, so I decided to watch this new show and do homework. About half an hour into the hour long show, the back door to the house BURSTS open. It's my mom. She s shaking and terrified! I asked her what the heck was wrong? Figured my father couldn't have been drunk yet.....they only just left!! :shrug1:

Apparently, on the way to this party, they had an argument, and he beat her and drove down alleys driving like a maniac, crashing into fences, and she tried to jump out of the moving car. The HE burst open into the house and started chasing her around the house!!

I grabbed her along with my keys and purse while he staggered after us, (more on his condition later) and I was able to pull out of the garage and get us OUT of that house. Then we needed to find my sister. :shrug1: My mother was SOOOO afraid that if she went home, he would KILL her. We drove up and down blocks looking for her, and all the while my mom is bloody and a mess. I pulled up to my sister's best friends home and asked the mom if she knew if my sister was there, and she was! so I asked if she could spend the night as we had "family problems."

We spent the night in a motel. I paid as I had 2 jobs and was ONLY 17 years old. But I spent my whole life living like this, and as soon as I started to work, I had put 'emergency' money away for a time like this.

It was a DESPICABLE way to live, and I will NEVER forgive my mom (in my heart I do) for NOT leaving that man who cheated on her and told us that we 'f*cked" up his life.

His condition that night? That was about the time that my 37 year old father decided to smoke pot and God knows what else.

He lives, IMO, a miserable, lonely, existence....just like he likes it.

[Grins]

My heart breaks with every scene; know that I love you all and am here for you.

[nanabillie]

I appreciate your sharing. It is surprising how one can read the story of someone else's life experiences totally realize for the first time why you feel the way you do. Mine are not like any of these stories, I was not physically or sexually abused, but an alcoholic father and a Mother that struggled to make ends meet. My "Daddy" was sweet, never mean. But spent his money on liquor and poker. He died two months before his 47th birthday. I sure miss him. And my Mom. Thanks again.

[Grins]

We all have faults Nanabillie, but some do things that hurt years later.
Our job is to recover from them; there is help.
Never let abuse continue to hurt you.

[Grins]

My freedom began when I forgave everyone; for my sake; for my draining out the poison of hate even though I felt I deserved to hate. My hateds had not asked forgiveness; I gave it silently in my heart first; then to only some, in person or a letter as my wise God directs. He is my source of Wisdom.

Hate kills the hater not the hated.

Toughest forgiveness:
myself

I did it finally=looked in a mirror at my eyes and said, "I forgive you and I love you unconditionally."

Free in a wash of tears but free~

[Grins]

Free I am as well as

New

On the battlefields of addiction
depression affliction abuse
we say what's the use
there are deaths and shattered dreams
saddest of all
would be the death of me
you too

but
a few I knew
have had the courage to say
I will not let anything steal my life
my loved ones
my soul
I will win
because I believe
God gave me the chance to
decide

if I decide to live
he will give me
all I need

my power is to say
yes
his power is to heal
body mind and spirit
I am new I decided
gone is strife
as He
welcomes me to
my new life~


Love, Grins
come along~~

[Boscorelli]

Yes I had an abusive childhood/teenage years. Walked away and washed my hands of them at at 21.I had a low entry job at that time and saved $5.000.00;not a lot but enough to get started. These people are dead now and how thankfull I am.
I do not believe that drugs and alcohol,or the whole 9 yards that people use as 'excuses' to justify their addictions ,should be accepted by society.
The bottom line is this. It happened.I have 2 CHOICES: either I wallow in 'self pity' and blame everyone,OR take responsibility and live my life in a positive constructive manner.What I do today is the next step into the future.
We make CHOICES and choices have CONSEQUENCES,now today and into the future;which will also affect other people.
Several months ago,the HISTORY CHANNEL showed a documentary of 4 Vietnam Vets,who were in the same unit over the course of 6 years. Each man saw the same brutality,hardship,pain and suffering. 3 out of these 4 men had drug/alcohol problems.I man committed crimes.
Only 1 man put the Vietnam war in it's proper prespective,survived his wartime injuries and lives his life in the present here and now.One of my neighbors is Micheal,who is a Vietnam Vet,U.S. Air force,6 years duty stationed in Vietnam;saw his share of pain suffering and has put his military life in proper prospective.
It is not what happens to US,it is how we permit it to affect us,either in a positive or negative way.
Is the cup half empty or is the cup half full?? Boscorelli

[Claudia]

Yes I had an abusive childhood/teenage years. Walked away and washed my hands of them at at 21.I had a low entry job at that time and saved $5.000.00;not a lot but enough to get started. These people are dead now and how thankfull I am.
I do not believe that drugs and alcohol,or the whole 9 yards that people use as 'excuses' to justify their addictions ,should be accepted by society.
The bottom line is this. It happened.I have 2 CHOICES: either I wallow in 'self pity' and blame everyone,OR take responsibility and live my life in a positive constructive manner.What I do today is the next step into the future.
We make CHOICES and choices have CONSEQUENCES,now today and into the future;which will also affect other people.
Several months ago,the HISTORY CHANNEL showed a documentary of 4 Vietnam Vets,who were in the same unit over the course of 6 years. Each man saw the same brutality,hardship,pain and suffering. 3 out of these 4 men had drug/alcohol problems.I man committed crimes.
Only 1 man put the Vietnam war in it's proper prespective,survived his wartime injuries and lives his life in the present here and now.One of my neighbors is Micheal,who is a Vietnam Vet,U.S. Air force,6 years duty stationed in Vietnam;saw his share of pain suffering and has put his military life in proper prospective.
It is not what happens to US,it is how we permit it to affect us,either in a positive or negative way.
Is the cup half empty or is the cup half full?? Boscorelli

What you're saying, Boscorelli, is that even though I was sexually abused as a child by a trusted family friend and also a teacher, was raped as an adult & the victim of attempted rape 3 times & was held against my will by a friend of my BF for many many hours... it is MY CHOICE to let these experiences affect my life now??? So, I choose to be unable to have a normal relationship, I choose to have anxiety & panic attacks & I choose to be unable to fully trust a single living person. Yeah.... precisely what I want for my life.

Your post makes me feel as though it's MY OWN FAULT that I am as screwed up as I am. Thanks.

[Pandabear]

God bless you Claudia. :1222423:

[Claudia]

God bless you Claudia. :1222423:

Thank you, Panda.

I cannot believe I spouted all that out on a damn message board. I am working on 3 hours' sleep & Boscorelli's post got me a little upset & off I went. Now that you all know wayyyyy too much about me.... :hide: How embarrassing.

[KYGramma]

Thank you, Panda.

I cannot believe I spouted all that out on a damn message board. I am working on 3 hours' sleep & Boscorelli's post got me a little upset & off I went. Now that you all know wayyyyy too much about me.... :hide: How embarrassing.

Claudia, You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your secrets are safe with us. That is what this place is for. We love you.:friends3:

[Claudia]

Claudia, You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your secrets are safe with us. That is what this place is for. We love you.:friends3:

Thanks Gramma. I love you guys, too.

So - you wanna hear some more??? :67302: Kidding!!! I have said quite enough for now!

[KYGramma]

Thanks Gramma. I love you guys, too.

So - you wanna hear some more??? :67302: Kidding!!! I have said quite enough for now!

Seriously, if you want to vent.....I have open ears....PM me if you need to.:friends3:

[Claudia]

Seriously, if you want to vent.....I have open ears....PM me if you need to.:friends3:

Thanks, Gramma. I tend to not talk about these things really. Never have. I just admitted some of this stuff to one of my brothers a couple weeks ago. He's about the only one that knows the whole truth. It took me 30+ years to talk about my being abused as a child by 2 different people & around 20 to talk about the other things. Know what's weird, though? My brother knew exactly who it was when I told him about the 'family friend'. He came right out and said, 'was it so & so?' no other guesses - he just knew. Very strange. I asked him how he knew & he said he doesn't know - it was the first name that popped into his head. Kinda freaked me out, because I honestly wasn't going to tell him who it was. Weird, don't ya think?

[KYGramma]

Thanks, Gramma. I tend to not talk about these things really. Never have. I just admitted some of this stuff to one of my brothers a couple weeks ago. He's about the only one that knows the whole truth. It took me 30+ years to talk about my being abused as a child by 2 different people & around 20 to talk about the other things. Know what's weird, though? My brother knew exactly who it was when I told him about the 'family friend'. He came right out and said, 'was it so & so?' no other guesses - he just knew. Very strange. I asked him how he knew & he said he doesn't know - it was the first name that popped into his head. Kinda freaked me out, because I honestly wasn't going to tell him who it was. Weird, don't ya think?

Yes, that is weird, but there is some reason he knew. Some abusers just kinda off those "vibes" so to say. We have a person on my DH side of the family that is that way. I just dont like him and dont trust him. Then one day, my stepdaughter came to me (she was getting married) and said she did not want him invited. Well, we talked about because he is a husband married to a cousin and they always show up at family events. She would not give me details, but in tears told me he did something to her when she was younger. She BEGGED me not to tell her dad (my DH). He would go after him and who know what would happen. I have not told him and I wont, but it is difficult.

I think we all have some "things" we have never and may never tell......

[Claudia]

Yes, that is weird, but there is some reason he knew. Some abusers just kinda off those "vibes" so to say. We have a person on my DH side of the family that is that way. I just dont like him and dont trust him. Then one day, my stepdaughter came to me (she was getting married) and said she did not want him invited. Well, we talked about because he is a husband married to a cousin and they always show up at family events. She would not give me details, but in tears told me he did something to her when she was younger. She BEGGED me not to tell her dad (my DH). He would go after him and who know what would happen. I have not told him and I wont, but it is difficult.

I think we all have some "things" we have never and may never tell......

So sorry for your stepdaughter. Unfortunately, I know how hard it is to live with.

I know one person that didn't gives off ANY vibes. It was actually this same brother's best friend in school. He was at our house constantly for years & years. One of the most intelligent people I have ever met, and so nice & polite. He was a little weird & geeky, but my brother is exactly the same. A geek with a genius IQ. lol Anyway, when my brother & his wife were adopting their daughter from Guatemala, they were going to leave their then 2 or 3 yr old son with this friend while they made the trip to Guatemala to pick her up. Well.... we were all in shock when one night watching the news, Alan's face popped up on the TV. He had been arrested for molesting young boys for YEARS. He had videotaped it all. He had a young nephew & he would invite him & his friends over to his house. Thank God he was caught before my brother left his son with him! He will be in prison for the rest of his life. Anyway, my point.... we had NO clue. We were with him all the time & had no idea what he was doing. I even worked for him at his business one Summer. So scary! You just never know who is going to be the one.

[rockford2]

Yes I had an abusive childhood/teenage years. Walked away and washed my hands of them at at 21.I had a low entry job at that time and saved $5.000.00;not a lot but enough to get started. These people are dead now and how thankfull I am.
I do not believe that drugs and alcohol,or the whole 9 yards that people use as 'excuses' to justify their addictions ,should be accepted by society.
The bottom line is this. It happened.I have 2 CHOICES: either I wallow in 'self pity' and blame everyone,OR take responsibility and live my life in a positive constructive manner.What I do today is the next step into the future.
We make CHOICES and choices have CONSEQUENCES,now today and into the future;which will also affect other people.
Several months ago,the HISTORY CHANNEL showed a documentary of 4 Vietnam Vets,who were in the same unit over the course of 6 years. Each man saw the same brutality,hardship,pain and suffering. 3 out of these 4 men had drug/alcohol problems.I man committed crimes.
Only 1 man put the Vietnam war in it's proper prespective,survived his wartime injuries and lives his life in the present here and now.One of my neighbors is Micheal,who is a Vietnam Vet,U.S. Air force,6 years duty stationed in Vietnam;saw his share of pain suffering and has put his military life in proper prospective.
It is not what happens to US,it is how we permit it to affect us,either in a positive or negative way.
Is the cup half empty or is the cup half full?? Boscorelli

Boscorelli,

How does one forget? It's part of me.....my 'make-up.' I am afraid and do not like confrontations. I worked out the self esteem issues long ago, but the nightmares come and go....nothing I can do about those.

I cannot forgive because both parents feel they have NOTHING to apologize about!! :francis: Where do I even begin??? They both believe that they did nothing wrong and I should just move on and forget everything and yet, neither one makes any effort to see my son, myself and have anything to do with MY life.

I like it like this much better. They do their thing and I do mine. Been working since I was 20 years old. :kissyface4:

Claudia? You talk anytime you want!! Nobody on this board judges......we all care. :love0085:

[Claudia]

Boscorelli,

How does one forget? It's part of me.....my 'make-up.' I am afraid and do not like confrontations. I worked out the self esteem issues long ago, but the nightmares come and go....nothing I can do about those.

I cannot forgive because both parents feel they have NOTHING to apologize about!! :francis: Where do I even begin??? They both believe that they did nothing wrong and I should just move on and forget everything and yet, neither one makes any effort to see my son, myself and have anything to do with MY life.

I like it like this much better. They do their thing and I do mine. Been working since I was 20 years old. :kissyface4:

Claudia? You talk anytime you want!! Nobody on this board judges......we all care. :love0085:

Thanks, Rock. :love0085:

(Most of the people on this board don't judge - I'm just sayin') :girl_haha:

[Grins]

Thanks Gramma. I love you guys, too.

So - you wanna hear some more??? :67302: Kidding!!! I have said quite enough for now!Congratulations Claudia=you had the courage to say what needed to be said; I felt it as I read~there is a reason you did it that benefits you.

I never talked about my much milder emotional home abuse for 50 years; when I did I started to heal.
My prayers start now for your healing of body mind emotion and spirit.

One thing I learned in recovery:
=it was not my fault
=it was not your fault

I am sure Boscorelli was not affixing blame but making a valid point:
=regarding any kind of abuse, we do have choices as to how we deal with the effects for the rest of our lives.

My choice was to get a good therapist and vent in a safe place with counsel and direction. Took me a week of sessions but after I wrote and then said all the things out loud to my abusers [proxy=a vacant chair] and said how I felt and how you hurt me and yelled swore cried raged [all to my utter amazement] the result was my depression lifted.
The boil had burst.

I do not understand it; it just worked for me whereas silence kept me depressed all my life.

Those were my choices; one worked one not.

[KYGramma]

So sorry for your stepdaughter. Unfortunately, I know how hard it is to live with.

I know one person that didn't gives off ANY vibes. It was actually this same brother's best friend in school. He was at our house constantly for years & years. One of the most intelligent people I have ever met, and so nice & polite. He was a little weird & geeky, but my brother is exactly the same. A geek with a genius IQ. lol Anyway, when my brother & his wife were adopting their daughter from Guatemala, they were going to leave their then 2 or 3 yr old son with this friend while they made the trip to Guatemala to pick her up. Well.... we were all in shock when one night watching the news, Alan's face popped up on the TV. He had been arrested for molesting young boys for YEARS. He had videotaped it all. He had a young nephew & he would invite him & his friends over to his house. Thank God he was caught before my brother left his son with him! He will be in prison for the rest of his life. Anyway, my point.... we had NO clue. We were with him all the time & had no idea what he was doing. I even worked for him at his business one Summer. So scary! You just never know who is going to be the one.

OMG! That is awful! and yes, thank GOD he was caught before they went.....:shrug1:

[Claudia]

Congratulations Claudia=you had the courage to say what needed to be said; I felt it as I read~there is a reason you did it that benefits you.

I never talked about my much milder emotional home abuse for 50 years; when I did I started to heal.
My prayers start now for your healing of body mind emotion and spirit.

One thing I learned in recovery:
=it was not my fault
=it was not your fault

I am sure Boscorelli was not affixing blame but making a valid point:
=regarding any kind of abuse, we do have choices as to how we deal with the effects for the rest of our lives.

My choice was to get a good therapist and vent in a safe place with counsel and direction. Took me a week of sessions but after I wrote and then said all the things out loud to my abusers [proxy=a vacant chair] and said how I felt and how you hurt me and yelled swore cried raged [all to my utter amazement] the result was my depression lifted.
The boil had burst.

I do not understand it; it just worked for me whereas silence kept me depressed all my life.

Those were my choices; one worked one not.

I have talked to a counselor before, but I quit going. I was hoping for some help with my anxiety, but after several sessions, I couldn't understand why he was focusing on things he was & I just lost hope that he would be able to help me. I have never really had a depression problem, only when I had anticipatory anxiety that can last for months, but that has only happened twice in my life (thank God - it's horrible). I was diagnosed with depression, though, and put on an anti-depressant that made me a complete zombie. Well, I am an emotionally driven person. I am creative & moody & passionate. The drugs squashed all that. They did away with what makes me ME. After 5 years, I took myself off & will never go on them again. I want to be me - I like my moody, artistic, quirky self! Flaws and ALL!

[Kami]

Thanks, Gramma. I tend to not talk about these things really. Never have. I just admitted some of this stuff to one of my brothers a couple weeks ago. He's about the only one that knows the whole truth. It took me 30+ years to talk about my being abused as a child by 2 different people & around 20 to talk about the other things. Know what's weird, though? My brother knew exactly who it was when I told him about the 'family friend'. He came right out and said, 'was it so & so?' no other guesses - he just knew. Very strange. I asked him how he knew & he said he doesn't know - it was the first name that popped into his head. Kinda freaked me out, because I honestly wasn't going to tell him who it was. Weird, don't ya think?

The things that hurt us, only make us stronger!!! :kissyface4:

[KYGramma]

Congratulations Claudia=you had the courage to say what needed to be said; I felt it as I read~there is a reason you did it that benefits you.

I never talked about my much milder emotional home abuse for 50 years; when I did I started to heal.
My prayers start now for your healing of body mind emotion and spirit.

One thing I learned in recovery:
=it was not my fault
=it was not your fault

I am sure Boscorelli was not affixing blame but making a valid point:
=regarding any kind of abuse, we do have choices as to how we deal with the effects for the rest of our lives.

My choice was to get a good therapist and vent in a safe place with counsel and direction. Took me a week of sessions but after I wrote and then said all the things out loud to my abusers [proxy=a vacant chair] and said how I felt and how you hurt me and yelled swore cried raged [all to my utter amazement] the result was my depression lifted.
The boil had burst.

I do not understand it; it just worked for me whereas silence kept me depressed all my life.

Those were my choices; one worked one not.

You know, this all has just made me think. A few years after I divorced my 1st Dh....he sent me a letter and then called me one day (I had since remarried) and proceeded to tell me how sorry he was for the physical and mental abuse that he had put me through. At first, I was confused, to what he was talking about......and asked him. He said to go along with the counseling he was in, it was one of the steps he needed to take. My confusion was....I didnt know why he was telling me this. It was like I had blocked it all out. I think about it now (and did after is call and letter) and realize and remember what he did put me through. It is weird how it took him confessing to me to make me realize how abusive he was....

Claudia, now you have me talking.....a little.

[KYGramma]

I have talked to a counselor before, but I quit going. I was hoping for some help with my anxiety, but after several sessions, I couldn't understand why he was focusing on things he was & I just lost hope that he would be able to help me. I have never really had a depression problem, only when I had anticipatory anxiety that can last for months, but that has only happened twice in my life (thank God - it's horrible). I was diagnosed with depression, though, and put on an anti-depressant that made me a complete zombie. Well, I am an emotionally driven person. I am creative & moody & passionate. The drugs squashed all that. They did away with what makes me ME. After 5 years, I took myself off & will never go on them again. I want to be me - I like my moody, artistic, quirky self! Flaws and ALL!


Good for you Claudia.:friends3:

[KYGramma]

The things that hurt us, only make us stronger!!! :kissyface4:

How true that is. As I am slowly coming out of my denial (not sure if that is the correct way to put it), I am realizing that I am changing. Sad, but I am not sure I should have married current DH (glad this is private, lol). I know my lifes experiences have made me a stronger person and I care more about myself and dont want to tolerate alot of things. I dont feel like I should have to! I have been a "tolerant" person all my life, but some things need to change.....

[Claudia]

You know, this all has just made me think. A few years after I divorced my 1st Dh....he sent me a letter and then called me one day (I had since remarried) and proceeded to tell me how sorry he was for the physical and mental abuse that he had put me through. At first, I was confused, to what he was talking about......and asked him. He said to go along with the counseling he was in, it was one of the steps he needed to take. My confusion was....I didnt know why he was telling me this. It was like I had blocked it all out. I think about it now (and did after is call and letter) and realize and remember what he did put me through. It is weird how it took him confessing to me to make me realize how abusive he was....

Claudia, now you have me talking.....a little.

Well that's good! If Grins says it's good to talk, then it must be good to talk.

Maybe I will keep talking, too. I have plenty more I can talk about.... boy, do I. If it helps to get it out, then great. If not, oh well. It's not like I will ever run into any of you guys in the mall or anything & be embarrassed. :67302:

[Claudia]

How true that is. As I am slowly coming out of my denial (not sure if that is the correct way to put it), I am realizing that I am changing. Sad, but I am not sure I should have married current DH (glad this is private, lol). I know my lifes experiences have made me a stronger person and I care more about myself and dont want to tolerate alot of things. I dont feel like I should have to! I have been a "tolerant" person all my life, but some things need to change.....

Since you are admitting it, Gramma... I will too. I know I am with the wrong man. I didn't marry him, but I stay because we have a son together.

So why do you think you shouldn't have married him? He's not abusive, is he?

[KYGramma]

Since you are admitting it, Gramma... I will too. I know I am with the wrong man. I didn't marry him, but I stay because we have a son together.

So why do you think you shouldn't have married him? He's not abusive, is he?

Why?.....I am not happy. My kids see it, family sees it, I see it. He is not physically abusive. I told him before we got married that if he EVER touched me, I would be gone! Well, he pushed me once, and I should have left then. Not that he has ever again, but he can be a real jerk and I dont want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells so to speak. I am who I am and thats it. He is very set in his ways and and it is his way or no way. But, the thing is he doesnt even realize it. There are soo many things about him that I dont like (in my personal growth, have come to realize this) and never will. I stay, because I dont want to hurt him. Bad excuse, I know, but thats me. For now. Also, because if I did leave, he would lose everything, he couldnt afford it.

[Claudia]

Why?.....I am not happy. My kids see it, family sees it, I see it. He is not physically abusive. I told him before we got married that if he EVER touched me, I would be gone! Well, he pushed me once, and I should have left then. Not that he has ever again, but he can be a real jerk and I dont want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells so to speak. I am who I am and thats it. He is very set in his ways and and it is his way or no way. But, the thing is he doesnt even realize it. There are soo many things about him that I dont like (in my personal growth, have come to realize this) and never will. I stay, because I dont want to hurt him. Bad excuse, I know, but thats me. For now. Also, because if I did leave, he would lose everything, he couldnt afford it.

I'm glad to know that he's not physically abusive. I completely understand what you're feeling. All too well.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason, and if something is meant to be, it will be? Not sure if I do or not.....

[Kami]

Ummmm....just to let you guys know. This is not a private forum.

[Claudia]

Ummmm....just to let you guys know. This is not a private forum.

I know, but it's not like my SO is going to be browsing the HFTM forums anytime soon, so I'm not worried.

And how do you know Claudia is even my real first name? It might really be Susan, or Cathy, or Kami!!! :cool:

[KYGramma]

I'm glad to know that he's not physically abusive. I completely understand what you're feeling. All too well.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason, and if something is meant to be, it will be? Not sure if I do or not.....

I am not sure either....some things that happen, I have to question....as long as I am talking.....and you are listening....

My ex was arrested for (not sure of the exact terms) sexual abuse on a minor. It was HIS OWN daughter. He had not seen his daughter fer quite a while. Her mother called and said she was having a hard time with her and asked if we could take her. Come to find out later, the reason she wanted her to come live with us, was that she (the daughter)was having relations with her moms husband. Well, we talked about and I said yes, I can help her. I can make sure she does well in school and gets with the "right" people. We did not know about the relations at this time. My then MIL called me and begged me not to let her come up. We lived in IL and they lived in MO. Well, she came. I got her in school bought her new clothes, introduced her to some local kids, etc. We had two children at that time, and they were about 9 and 10. Well, she did end up graduating 8th grade and doing well or so I thought. Making this short. It turns out, my ex and she were also having relations after a time. She wanted to go home to visit. By this time, we knew what had happend with her stepdad and didnt want her to go. Her grandmother called us and begged for her to mcome and visit and promised that she would keep an eye on her. We let her go. Then she called and wanted to stay longer. We told her no, you need to come back. The next call we received was from Child welfare saying that she had accused my ex of raping her. He denied it and I supported him, because I just knew that he would never do something like that. Well, as time went on, and police got involved, he admitted it. I came home from work one day and he was sitting in the chair like waiting for me. i asked him what was wrong and he said I have to tell you something. "something did happen with me and....... Well, needless to say, I was in shock.

backtrack a little, for years he had told me if I ever left him, I could not survive on my own with my kids. I would never find him for child support he would dissapear. I belived him.

Well, he was arrested. I forget what he was actually charged with, but it turned out that it was a mutual thing (not that this makes any difference, but it was not as bad as "rape').

I really didnt know what to do, until the day that DCFS came to our house and told me that if I did not move my kids out (he didnt have to leave because his name was on the house, but so was mine)they could be taken away from me.

I went to see a lawyer to file for divorce and he also told me that I could not make him leave.

I found a two bedroom apartment (from our 4 bedroom, two story house, that he got to stay in) and we moved in. The ex went though his court stuff and they gave him supervised visits with my children. BUT, they made ME the supervisor. Order that he would come to our apartment to have his visits. I still dont understand this, but had to go along with it.

Sorry it is so long, but once I start talking.....

[KYGramma]

Ummmm....just to let you guys know. This is not a private forum.

I know, but no one really know us....should we make a private one?

it is good to talk and get other peoples feelings sometimes...no?

[KYGramma]

I know, but it's not like my SO is going to be browsing the HFTM forums anytime soon, so I'm not worried.

And how do you know Claudia is even my real first name? It might really be Susan, or Cathy, or Kami!!! :cool:

Yeah, or Witchypoo!:girl_haha:

[Kami]

I know, but no one really know us....should we make a private one?

it is good to talk and get other peoples feelings sometimes...no?

You said in your post above that you were glad this was private. I was just letting you know it's not. I know it's good to talk things out. I just didn't want you to think that we are the only ones to read it. The whole world can!! :wink:

[Claudia]

I am not sure either....some things that happen, I have to question....as long as I am talking.....and you are listening....

My ex was arrested for (not sure of the exact terms) sexual abuse on a minor. It was HIS OWN daughter. He had not seen his daughter fer quite a while. Her mother called and said she was having a hard time with her and asked if we could take her. Come to find out later, the reason she wanted her to come live with us, was that she (the daughter)was having relations with her moms husband. Well, we talked about and I said yes, I can help her. I can make sure she does well in school and gets with the "right" people. We did not know about the relations at this time. My then MIL called me and begged me not to let her come up. We lived in IL and they lived in MO. Well, she came. I got her in school bought her new clothes, introduced her to some local kids, etc. We had two children at that time, and they were about 9 and 10. Well, she did end up graduating 8th grade and doing well or so I thought. Making this short. It turns out, my ex and she were also having relations after a time. She wanted to go home to visit. By this time, we knew what had happend with her stepdad and didnt want her to go. Her grandmother called us and begged for her to mcome and visit and promised that she would keep an eye on her. We let her go. Then she called and wanted to stay longer. We told her no, you need to come back. The next call we received was from Child welfare saying that she had accused my ex of raping her. He denied it and I supported him, because I just knew that he would never do something like that. Well, as time went on, and police got involved, he admitted it. I came home from work one day and he was sitting in the chair like waiting for me. i asked him what was wrong and he said I have to tell you something. "something did happen with me and....... Well, needless to say, I was in shock.

backtrack a little, for years he had told me if I ever left him, I could not survive on my own with my kids. I would never find him for child support he would dissapear. I belived him.

Well, he was arrested. I forget what he was actually charged with, but it turned out that it was a mutual thing (not that this makes any difference, but it was not as bad as "rape').

I really didnt know what to do, until the day that DCFS came to our house and told me that if I did not move my kids out (he didnt have to leave because his name was on the house, but so was mine)they could be taken away from me.

I went to see a lawyer to file for divorce and he also told me that I could not make him leave.

I found a two bedroom apartment (from our 4 bedroom, two story house, that he got to stay in) and we moved in. The ex went though his court stuff and they gave him supervised visits with my children. BUT, they made ME the supervisor. Order that he would come to our apartment to have his visits. I still dont understand this, but had to go along with it.

Sorry it is so long, but once I start talking.....

Wow.... that must have been devastating. I cannot even imagine. I hope that girl is getting some serious counseling, she needs it!

[KYGramma]

You said in your post above that you were glad this was private. I was just letting you know it's not. I know it's good to talk things out. I just didn't want you to think that we are the only ones to read it. The whole world can!! :wink:

Oh, I know. I just meant that no one who knows us personally(at least me) is reading.......

Thank You though...:kissyface4:

[Amusedtdth]

Thank you, Panda.

I cannot believe I spouted all that out on a damn message board. I am working on 3 hours' sleep & Boscorelli's post got me a little upset & off I went. Now that you all know wayyyyy too much about me.... :hide: How embarrassing.

Don't feel that way kiddo, I'm glad you said what you said...ITA!:zm10:

[KYGramma]

Wow.... that must have been devastating. I cannot even imagine. I hope that girl is getting some serious counseling, she needs it!

Actually...forgot that part. She committed suicide a few years ago. It was very sad. And by that time, she had a couple children of her own.

[Claudia]

Actually...forgot that part. She committed suicide a few years ago. It was very sad. And by that time, she had a couple children of her own.

OhmyGod..... how horrible!!! Her poor children. :cray:

[KYGramma]

OhmyGod..... how horrible!!! Her poor children. :cray:

yes, and she had a grandmother (her moms mom)that loved her very much! She actually shot herself in her grandmothers house......:1187603408.CR.Mothe

[Claudia]

yes, and she had a grandmother (her moms mom)that loved her very much! She actually shot herself in her grandmothers house......:1187603408.CR.Mothe

How sad for her grandmother, too. Did the girl ever get any counseling at all?

[Kami]

Oh, I know. I just meant that no one who knows us personally(at least me) is reading.......

Thank You though...:kissyface4:

You're welcome. :kissyface4:

[KYGramma]

How sad for her grandmother, too. Did the girl ever get any counseling at all?

I am not sure. I would hope so....I really lost contact with them after all that. Until one day, he showed up to visit our now mostly grown kids and had her with him! It was about a year later, she passed away.

[Amusedtdth]

Since you are admitting it, Gramma... I will too. I know I am with the wrong man. I didn't marry him, but I stay because we have a son together.

So why do you think you shouldn't have married him? He's not abusive, is he?

Why?.....I am not happy. My kids see it, family sees it, I see it. He is not physically abusive. I told him before we got married that if he EVER touched me, I would be gone! Well, he pushed me once, and I should have left then. Not that he has ever again, but he can be a real jerk and I dont want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells so to speak. I am who I am and thats it. He is very set in his ways and and it is his way or no way. But, the thing is he doesnt even realize it. There are soo many things about him that I dont like (in my personal growth, have come to realize this) and never will. I stay, because I dont want to hurt him. Bad excuse, I know, but thats me. For now. Also, because if I did leave, he would lose everything, he couldnt afford it.


I love my husband. Is he good for me? No. Should I throw him out? Yes, Will I? no. Talk about a toxic person...I can't even begin to explain the complexities of the relationship we have and the damage it has done to my children because I didn't leave then and continue to be with him. I admit, I'm weak, scared, financially dependant etc...And I hate myself to death for it...Suicide didn't work either. I know he loves me, I know he would do anything for me but as far as whats good for me - he's not. We women stay for whatever reasons in these relationships and can try and justify to ourselves why we do and its ok but is it in the end? To me, it dosen't matter because I'll probably never separate from him, after 15 yrs together...just another lousy statistic.

[KYGramma]

I love my husband. Is he good for me? No. Should I throw him out? Yes, Will I? no. Talk about a toxic person...I can't even begin to explain the complexities of the relationship we have and the damage it has done to my children because I didn't leave then and continue to be with him. I admit, I'm weak, scared, financially dependant etc...And I hate myself to death for it...Suicide didn't work either. I know he loves me, I know he would do anything for me but as far as whats good for me - he's not. We women stay for whatever reasons in these relationships and can try and justify to ourselves why we do and its ok but is it in the end? To me, it dosen't matter because I'll probably never separate from him, after 15 yrs together...just another lousy statistic.

Said so well......but, dont we deserve better? On the other hand, it takes so much......

[Amusedtdth]

Said so well......but, dont we deserve better? On the other hand, it takes so much......

I know I deserve better, as far as I'm concerned when we married he married UP, not the other way around. My problem is I think I can "save" everyone for their own emotional/mental torment and get so caught up I don't see the flags till its way too late.

For me personally to achieve better and be happy, your right, it takes so much and I'm not getting any younger...46 isn't old but hey, my Body has seen better days after 2 kids and 2 back operations. I want better but I'll settle for less.

[Claudia]

I love my husband. Is he good for me? No. Should I throw him out? Yes, Will I? no. Talk about a toxic person...I can't even begin to explain the complexities of the relationship we have and the damage it has done to my children because I didn't leave then and continue to be with him. I admit, I'm weak, scared, financially dependant etc...And I hate myself to death for it...Suicide didn't work either. I know he loves me, I know he would do anything for me but as far as whats good for me - he's not. We women stay for whatever reasons in these relationships and can try and justify to ourselves why we do and its ok but is it in the end? To me, it dosen't matter because I'll probably never separate from him, after 15 yrs together...just another lousy statistic.

You just spoke exactly how I feel about my SO. Although unlike you, I am not 'in love' with him. I love him & I care what happens to him, but that's about it.

Musey... suicide? I'm so sorry. It does matter.... you need to be happy. Easy for me to say - the queen of bad relationships here - not a good one to be giving relationship advice. I have had some that were so destructive & yet, I stayed. Maybe I should let someone else handle the relationship advice. :hide:

[KYGramma]

I know I deserve better, as far as I'm concerned when we married he married UP, not the other way around. My problem is I think I can "save" everyone for their own emotional/mental torment and get so caught up I don't see the flags till its way too late.

For me personally to achieve better and be happy, your right, it takes so much and I'm not getting any younger...46 isn't old but hey, my Body has seen better days after 2 kids and 2 back operations. I want better but I'll settle for less.

I think that is what happend in my first marriage...


We sound so much alike.....I am 47. I think part of the reason I stay around is because it is easier.....

[Claudia]

I think that is what happend in my first marriage...


We sound so much alike.....I am 47. I think part of the reason I stay around is because it is easier.....

I know that's why I stay around. I did the single mom thing for four years - it sucked.

[KYGramma]

You just spoke exactly how I feel about my SO. Although unlike you, I am not 'in love' with him. I love him & I care what happens to him, but that's about it.

Musey... suicide? I'm so sorry. It does matter.... you need to be happy. Easy for me to say - the queen of bad relationships here - not a good one to be giving relationship advice. I have had some that were so destructive & yet, I stayed. Maybe I should let someone else handle the relationship advice. :hide:

I also care about my husband and what happens to him, that is why I am here...sometimes I love him and sometimes I dont.

I have thought about suicide, but couldnt do that to my kids and mother.....

Well, I think I am really good at tellin other people what they should do, but dont heed my own advice....:shrug1:

I really do think talking helps though.....

[KYGramma]

I know that's why I stay around. I did the single mom thing for four years - it sucked.

Yes, I did too for 5 years....and it did suck. But, I dont think I would EVER marry again.....even if my children werent grown.....

[Amusedtdth]

In between husband 1 (kids father) and 2 (present) I was single and raising w/no help from sperm donor. His parents played a huge role helping the children and I manage but it was hard as all getout!

As far as advise, we never follow are own, if we did we'd all be too freakin hap:girl_haha:py! We are women, hear us roar! Never do what we should for ourselves, take care of everyone else and neglecting our own selves, physically and emotionally till we SNAP! more later....lunch time:kissyface4:

[KYGramma]

In between husband 1 (kids father) and 2 (present) I was single and raising w/no help from sperm donor. His parents played a huge role helping the children and I manage but it was hard as all getout!

As far as advise, we never follow are own, if we did we'd all be too freakin hap:girl_haha:py! We are women, hear us roar! Never do what we should for ourselves, take care of everyone else and neglecting our own selves, physically and emotionally till we SNAP! more later....lunch time:kissyface4:

So very true!:wink:

[Claudia]

In between husband 1 (kids father) and 2 (present) I was single and raising w/no help from sperm donor. His parents played a huge role helping the children and I manage but it was hard as all getout!

As far as advise, we never follow are own, if we did we'd all be too freakin hap:girl_haha:py! We are women, hear us roar! Never do what we should for ourselves, take care of everyone else and neglecting our own selves, physically and emotionally till we SNAP! more later....lunch time:kissyface4:

Story of my life...

[Amusedtdth]

It's amazing how much alike we all are, dontcha think???

[rockford2]

All three of you are breaking my heart here!! :love0085: Don't all of you know that you ALL deserve better? My best friend stayed in her LOUSY marriage for way too long and she kept telling herself it was for the kids, she didn't have the courage, how could she survive, it would break her mother's heart...and on and on. With much prodding from yours truly, she finally kicked the louse outta the house and has never looked back.

What has she gained? CONFIDENCE, LADIES. She can now come home and not receive the 3rd degree, what's for dinner, did you wash my clothes? no, I can't look at the noise in your car, no, I can't cut the lawn, no, I can't go to the teacher's conference with you, and she doesn't have to worry that he will complain about her cooking, clothes, body, and all the 'things' she could do better.

Is she scared of having just one income? Of never finding anyone, (she's 47)of the new things she has coming up in her life such as finding a new place to live? purchasing her first car on her own? sure, but she said she wished she would have found the courage to have done this MUCH sooner.

You have ONE life. Don't be miserable, ladies. :kissyface4::love0085:

[Stacey3772]

wow, i had no idea this thread was here. I'll have to lay on your couch some time and pour out my soul. But not tonight. Dont feel like visiting old ghosts or opening the wounds. Maybe soon.

THank you all that shared. You are survivors. Hugs from across the miles.

[grammybears]

I am very impressed with all that have shared their stories. I think by nature we all like to nurture. Maybe that was a trait that our abusers saw in us, like we never made trouble always went along with what we were told to do and so forth. It took me a lot of years to come to terms with my abuse. About a year ago I kept going back to a scene when I was six about my stepfather and how the abuse started. I can tell you my life has been so much better since then. I have figured out my jigsaw puzzle of a life and I feel so much better about myself.
Even after my mom divorced my stepdad she and my two sisters always made me feel like I was scum. From the time I was 14 until I was 18 all I heard was it was my fault you had no right and so on and so on.
I married my husband about a year and a half later. He is a good man and he was really good to me considering how neurotic I was for so long.
During those years my mom tried to pull me in one direction and he was pulling me in another direction and I almost had a nervous breakdown. I started counseling. I went through three counselors before I found the one who helped me to save my life.
I was able to talk through all the issues that were going on and had no fear of being put down. Besides my husband, she was the first person I put trust in. The director where I got my counseling was supposed to be my therapist. He had me fill out a form and he had told my therapist that I frightened him because I could see beyond the facade of people.
I finally got around to the exercise of writing letters to all who hurt me. The only letter I sent was to my stepfather and I told him I was giving back to him all the effects of the abuse I was having to deal with. I felt so much better afterwards. I forgave him for myself and not for him. He is in his 70's now and in poor health.

Around the time my daughter died I had this little voice in my head which kept telling me to send his new wife warning her about this man's mo. She had a grandson living with her and I wanted to make sure he was not hurt. This man had the audacity to tell her that he was addicted to sick. I just laughed. Apparently this is something that pedofiles tell their spouses. Apparently she kicked him out but she relented and took him back dumb woman.

I think it is possible that for a couple who has been married for a long time to grow out of love. I know this is where I am at right now, but I do stay because my husband needs me. His health is very bad and I try the best I can to help him. I respect him for the man he is but love disappeared a few years agowhen we were going through a bad time. We are both in our fifties and we have come to an understanding that he talks nice to me and treats me right or I will be gone.

A lot of women stay for a variety of reasons, but whatever your decision is take good care of yourself and be as happy as you can.

[Boscorelli]

Hi Rockford 2
Your 8:51am post.yesterday We can never forget the trauma or the tramatic expierence; it will always apart of US.The important thing is that the expierence doesn't make and keep you a hostage.Example every Thanksgiven & Christmas Day,for a brief few SECONDS,the rememberance of all the pains of childhood/teenage years flood back.
I remind myself they are images of the long ago past and I live here and now in the PRESENT.When I read news stories on our message board,that parents are being convicted of child abuse,I am consoled in a small way;that Finally something is being done.
Surviveing a traumatic expierence in childhood in a positive manner,is a stepping stone of maturity and emotional/psychological health.
E&N never were legally prosecutored under the law;but they did not escape DIVINE JUSTICE.
The LORD JESUS CHRIST has bountifully blessed me and prospered me,in a way E&N never had.
Survival of the fittest= a person's strong positive will,to overcome the many obstacles in life;be they toxic people,situations and circumstances.
Boscorelli

[Grins]

Growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home harms us in ways I did not realize.
I picked up a book in an airport. It was It Will Never Happen to Me by Claudia Black

There I saw me on every page: adult child of an alcoholic.

This is a good site for what it did to me.

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/Adult_Children_of_Alcoholics.htm

[Grins]

Molars and Dolars

If I had a million dollars
I would get all new
molars

at a polar bear habitat I sat
me down to decide where to
give my money and to whom

so many good causes
giving with wisdom
was good but then I saw
one need unheeded

a place where the brokenhearted
may gather and find healing
understanding and solutions

inside outside and above
surrounded by friends
who shower me with love

that place is here
and I wouldn't trade it
for all new molars
or a million dollars~


Love, Grins

[KYGramma]

Molars and Dolars

If I had a million dollars
I would get all new
molars

at a polar bear habitat I sat
me down to decide where to
give my money and to whom

so many good causes
giving with wisdom
was good but then I saw
one need unheeded

a place where the brokenhearted
may gather and find healing
understanding and solutions

inside outside and above
surrounded by friends
who shower me with love

that place is here
and I wouldn't trade it
for all new molars
or a million dollars~


Love, Grins


We love you Grins! :kissyface4:

[Grins]

Thanks Gramma
(((((((Major Hugs for all )))))))))

[rockford2]

Hi Rockford 2
Your 8:51am post.yesterday We can never forget the trauma or the tramatic expierence; it will always apart of US.The important thing is that the expierence doesn't make and keep you a hostage.Example every Thanksgiven & Christmas Day,for a brief few SECONDS,the rememberance of all the pains of childhood/teenage years flood back.
I remind myself they are images of the long ago past and I live here and now in the PRESENT.When I read news stories on our message board,that parents are being convicted of child abuse,I am consoled in a small way;that Finally something is being done.
Surviveing a traumatic expierence in childhood in a positive manner,is a stepping stone of maturity and emotional/psychological health.
E&N never were legally prosecutored under the law;but they did not escape DIVINE JUSTICE.
The LORD JESUS CHRIST has bountifully blessed me and prospered me,in a way E&N never had.
Survival of the fittest= a person's strong positive will,to overcome the many obstacles in life;be they toxic people,situations and circumstances.
Boscorelli


The only time I let either one of my parents get to me, is when they call my home about twice a year. My mother is always 'dying' or my Dad is 'close to death" and yet, this has been going on for over 10 years! When I was in the hospital 5 years ago with serious complications from pnuemonia, and ER doc pulled my husband and MIL aside and said it was serious, my husband called my Mom to tell her and know what she said? Oh...what kind of symtoms does she have because I think I have pnuemonia too!" She came to visit for a few minutes because her good friend, 'told her to do.'

Honest to pete, if this wasn't so pathetic, it would be hysterically funny. I don't blame either one of my parents for MY failures in life, but I do ask from them that if they have nothing nice to say, then please stay away. Well, my father must not have had anything nice to say in over 20 years, and my mother? She never listens to anything I ask of her. :0009:

[KYGramma]

Growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home harms us in ways I did not realize.
I picked up a book in an airport. It was It Will Never Happen to Me by Claudia Black

There I saw me on every page: adult child of an alcoholic.

This is a good site for what it did to me.

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/Adult_Children_of_Alcoholics.htm

My father was an alcoholic. My DH is an alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic. I went through the typical/or not "drinking stage" in my late teens and early 20's, but dont drink very often and when I do have a drink, it is one or two. I dont like to get "drunk". And..I dont like to be around "drunk" people. I am going to look over this site you referred to. I really believe there are alot of things I still need to figure out about ME! Maybe it will help.

Thanks Grins.

[Bayou Lass]

Well, let me tell all of you a little something that I have learned from posting with some of you......Grammy, Musey, Claudia, Grins and Grammybear. I love all of you dearly and have never met any of you in person, only here in cyberspace. We have posted together on other threads and have a really special relationship and hopefully it will last a long, long time. You have read my story (1st page) and I am neither ashamed or embarrassed about my abusive past. I too, was hanging on to a relationship because I was insecure, thinking that I could not make it on my own. But guess what? You can only take so much abuse, verbal and phyical, until your spirit is broken and you feel worthless. I stayed with my abuser for 12 years and how I survived, I don't know. Life is too short and there comes a time when you have to say, enough! I did that and trust me it was really, really hard. When you are used to the finer things in life,..fancy cars, a big, beautiful house, and nice clothes those things don't mean anything if you do not love yourself. Yes, love yourself for who you are and what you know you can become without all of the finer things you have become accustomed to. I finally had enough of getting beat up, talked down to and the feeling that I was not good enough for him, he deserved better. I left with my two boys, moved as far away as I could and started over. Yes, it was hard at first but as everyday was a new day, it became a little easier. After I left it was apartment living for us, then years later I moved back to Louisiana and the boys and I lived in a single-wide trailer on my parents farm. I now have a little house of my own - and it's mine!! Designed, built and furnished with MY own money and I am so proud. My ex is now living just about 40 miles away and I have not seen him in 6 years after a disastrous Christmas he so much wanted to spend with me and his children. That my dears, is another story that would be a best seller! He destroyed his relationship with his sons, and they have both said that they never want to see or talk to him again. When I left him my parting words were: You are going to die a lonely old man and I feel sorry for you! My words to him have come full circle, he's lonely, he is getting older and he has no one who really cares what happens to him. I am not going to give any of you advice, I certainly am not Dear Abby, but I can say this to you........trust in yourself, love yourself. Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. If I could pull myself up by the bootstraps, so can you. You know that I love you all dearly and I am so glad that you feel like you can express you inner-most thoughts here and be able to speak from your heart. Leaving a miserable marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned that I could do anything that I put my mind to. I learned to not depend on anyone but myself, and I found self-worth again.....I am woman...hear me roar!!! Love you all lots!:kissyface4:

[Claudia]

Well, let me tell all of you a little something that I have learned from posting with some of you......Grammy, Musey, Claudia, Grins and Grammybear. I love all of you dearly and have never met any of you in person, only here in cyberspace. We have posted together on other threads and have a really special relationship and hopefully it will last a long, long time. You have read my story (1st page) and I am neither ashamed or embarrassed about my abusive past. I too, was hanging on to a relationship because I was insecure, thinking that I could not make it on my own. But guess what? You can only take so much abuse, verbal and phyical, until your spirit is broken and you feel worthless. I stayed with my abuser for 12 years and how I survived, I don't know. Life is too short and there comes a time when you have to say, enough! I did that and trust me it was really, really hard. When you are used to the finer things in life,..fancy cars, a big, beautiful house, and nice clothes those things don't mean anything if you do not love yourself. Yes, love yourself for who you are and what you know you can become without all of the finer things you have become accustomed to. I finally had enough of getting beat up, talked down to and the feeling that I was not good enough for him, he deserved better. I left with my two boys, moved as far away as I could and started over. Yes, it was hard at first but as everyday was a new day, it became a little easier. After I left it was apartment living for us, then years later I moved back to Louisiana and the boys and I lived in a single-wide trailer on my parents farm. I now have a little house of my own - and it's mine!! Designed, built and furnished with MY own money and I am so proud. My ex is now living just about 40 miles away and I have not seen him in 6 years after a disastrous Christmas he so much wanted to spend with me and his children. That my dears, is another story that would be a best seller! He destroyed his relationship with his sons, and they have both said that they never want to see or talk to him again. When I left him my parting words were: You are going to die a lonely old man and I feel sorry for you! My words to him have come full circle, he's lonely, he is getting older and he has no one who really cares what happens to him. I am not going to give any of you advice, I certainly am not Dear Abby, but I can say this to you........trust in yourself, love yourself. Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. If I could pull myself up by the bootstraps, so can you. You know that I love you all dearly and I am so glad that you feel like you can express you inner-most thoughts here and be able to speak from your heart. Leaving a miserable marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned that I could do anything that I put my mind to. I learned to not depend on anyone but myself, and I found self-worth again.....I am woman...hear me roar!!! Love you all lots!:kissyface4:

:11_2_104: Love you too, BL.

[Grins]

Well said BLass.
My life went from riches to homeless and a sweatshirt, jeans and shoes. Period. Later, I got welfare of $205 per month of which I paid $175 rent at the Rehab Center. I got help from Catholic Charities, Bar Association and St Vincent DePaul and got back on my feet so that I have all I need now, a nice car and apartment and savings.

Change made me happy again; it can be done.

[Pandabear]

This may be a bit long, so please forgive me and bear with me. This is the first time I’ve really talked to anyone about this. I was raised in a wonderful loving home. Sure we had our problems, but in the end, we were a close knit family and I miss my parents terribly since they died.

My first marriage at 18 was to a momma’s boy who abused me both physically and mentally for the 7 long years I was married to him. I finally packed all my belongings into my car and left him one Monday morning, after he had broken my nose on Sunday night, and I never looked back. No kids thank God. A couple of years later (1986) I met and married the man I was destined to spent the rest of my life with. We’d been friends for 10 years with no thoughts of anything other than friendship, but one day it just clicked and I knew he was the one.

He survived one of the most bizarre childhoods that I could ever imagine. His mother was the queen bee and ruled with an iron fist, but she used her husband to carry out her torture and punishment. My DH was not allowed to be a child, at least not what I think a child should be. His father really tried to show him some love at times, but his mother was so jealous of any love and kindness that his father showed to him and his sister, that she went so far as to “set them up” to be punished. She would wait until his father went to work and the hell would start. He and his sister have told me that they have both spent hours, when they were 5 and 6 years old, trying to follow her orders for them as they cleaned the house, but it was never good enough. If they didn’t clean the toilet to her satisfaction, she’d punished them by not letting them use the bathroom all day, then when one of them wet their clothes, they were forced to wear them wet, and when their dad got home and she told him, they would get a beating for not going to the bathroom.

She wouldn’t feed them all day, then would complain that they were “gobbling” their food at supper, and then demand that their father punish them. They have both told me that they have looked up at her while they were being whipped by their father to find her smiling and giving them a look that told them who was boss of the house. These are just a couple of examples, there were many worse things that she did, but it makes me sick to talk about those.

My DH left home as soon as he graduated high school at 17, hitchhiked to Houston, TX and his great aunt took him in. She helped him find a job washing windows and helped him go to school to learn a trade. If it hadn’t been for her, there’s no telling what would have happened to him on the streets of that city. Even after he got away from the hell that he grew up in, his mother never let him have a minute’s peace. She called constantly telling him he had to come home, that they were broke and he had to come help support them, etc.

He didn’t see his parents again for 20 years. Shortly after we were married, his father was dying of cancer and my DH asked me if I would go with him to see his Dad. Of course I would do anything for him and I went. On his death bed, his father apologized to him for the years of torment and for “every stripe I ever laid on your back”. I was so happy that he was finally able to hear this from his dad and that he was able to forgive him before his Dad died.

His Mom is still living and at 83 she is just as bad as she was when he was growing up. When our son was born, he told me that day the she would NEVER be alone with our baby and he has kept his word on that. His childhood affected his ability to parent our son and it's been tough on all of us. He was so afraid that he would turn into his Dad and go overboard on the punishment that he let the boy get away with many things he shouldn't have. It has been a real struggle to be his co-parent because of his childhood and my being afraid to ask for his help with discipline. I don't mean spankings, I mean just doing what was right and teaching our son right from wrong.

His sister has been married 5 times, had 4 kids, 1 that was killed violently, 2 that have been in and out of prison and 1 daughter that reminds me very much of Casey Anthony (honestly). His Mother lives less than 5 miles from us and he has only seen her once in the past year. Of course we are condemned by everyone around because we don't "take care" of her, but we let it roll off our backs. Even his mother has the gall to deny everything that happened during their childhood and thinks we are both going to hell for abandoning her. I did go to see her when she was in the hospital a couple of months ago, but she started in on me about my mothering skills and about my DH and how she just couldn't understand why he "turned on her" the way he did. That was the last time I will ever try to bend for her.

Sorry this is so long, but I've needed to vent for a long, long time. I've watched the hell my DH has gone through for years from being abused as a child, and how it has affected my whole family. I'll never understand how anyone could hurt a child.:1187603408.CR.Mothe

[Amusedtdth]

Thank you everyone for sharing some of the hardest felt emotions that ones soul can bear. Each and everyone one of us deserves the proverbial "pat on the back". I, for one, am grateful that I've had the oppurtunity to be here and communicate with such caring and loving people..:cray: aw shucks, now lookit me......

Panda, your story tore me up upside for that little boy and girl who only wanted to be loved. Thank God they grew up w/out the complete breakdown in psyche that so many abused children suffer from into adulthood.

As a parent, I don't think we realize at the time, that the unintended emotional abuse that children suffer affects them at that time in their lives. To watch a parent being abused and/or drug history, etc...how much it really affects them until they grow up and we see what we've done and know it's our fault, the guilt I carry because I let so much go on and my children have been thru more than what they deserved...I'm babbling and don't even know if I"m making any sense right now.....*phew*

Anyhoo, I love you guys!:kissyface4:

[KYGramma]

I love you all too!!!!:friends3::give_rose:

I am writing......will post later.

[Pandabear]

Panda, your story tore me up upside for that little boy and girl who only wanted to be loved. Thank God they grew up w/out the complete breakdown in psyche that so many abused children suffer from into adulthood.



I can't tell you how many nights I have laid in bed and cried for the little boy that grew into the man I love. It is a miracle that he grew into the type of person that he did and that he ended the cycle of abuse. He is the most loving and giving person that I've ever met and my son and I thank God every day for him.

One other thing I need to share. His mother and father were devout Church of Christ as he was growing up. They had no tolerance for any other religious belief other than theirs and drilled it into his head that he would go to hell, a scary place to think about when your a small child, unless he went along with their beliefs. He told me that once they were visiting his dad's sister who had a son his age (10). On Sunday morning, DH's parents went to the local Church of Christ and he went to the Baptist church with his young cousin. After they left his aunts house, his mother made his father stop the car so that they could all pray for his soul because he went against 'the faith' and attended a Baptist church. She also demanded that his father whip him there on the side of the road so that God would know they were sorry for his sin.

It has taken him a long time not to be mad at God about what happened to him. He is better but still has some really deep seated anger toward God because his mother used religion as an excuse to have him beaten. It's so very sad how all this affected his entire being.

[Amusedtdth]

I can't tell you how many nights I have laid in bed and cried for the little boy that grew into the man I love. It is a miracle that he grew into the type of person that he did and that he ended the cycle of abuse. He is the most loving and giving person that I've ever met and my son and I thank God every day for him.

One other thing I need to share. His mother and father were devout Church of Christ as he was growing up. They had no tolerance for any other religious belief other than theirs and drilled it into his head that he would go to hell, a scary place to think about when your a small child, unless he went along with their beliefs. He told me that once they were visiting his dad's sister who had a son his age (10). On Sunday morning, DH's parents went to the local Church of Christ and he went to the Baptist church with his young cousin. After they left his aunts house, his mother made his father stop the car so that they could all pray for his soul because he went against 'the faith' and attended a Baptist church. She also demanded that his father whip him there on the side of the road so that God would know they were sorry for his sin.

It has taken him a long time not to be mad at God about what happened to him. He is better but still has some really deep seated anger toward God because his mother used religion as an excuse to have him beaten. It's so very sad how all this affected his entire being.

I'm very happy he's turned out well adjusted and he's very lucky to have you!!!
To this day I can't tolerate people that use religion that way; Fire and brimstone, an unforgiving God w/no mercy...I grew up believing and to this day still believe the total oppisite.
MIL sounds like a total fanatic and denial of what shes done is a coping mechanisim she uses to justify the wrong even in her mind she did no wrong and if thats the case she would'nt have conviently denied any of it.

[Bayou Lass]

There are a lot of people in denial and there are those that have selective memory. My ex has both......total denial of being abusive and selective memory regarding a lot of things that happened and actually has the nerve to tell me I am exagerating. Me, I remember like an elephant and those things will remain with me until I die. I truly don't understand how these people treated their children and then expect them to respect and take care of them now? It is just so, so sad when you hear of these things happening. These people who abuse children both physically and metally don't deserve to be called 'parents'. When I have time I will tell you about a murder case that my son was the foreman of the grand jury that convicted the murderer.:madranting94dp:

[Grins]

HELLO AND A THOUSAND WELCOMES PANDABEAR and ALL OUR POSTERS!!!!!

Together

We heal as we speak and listen with our hearts
We are lifted above the hurts by love above all
We feel here the warm embrace of fellowship
We are not judged we are understood
We are not at fault
We are good
We are
US~

Love, Grins
and US
to
US

:1222423: :1222423: :1222423: :1222423: :1222423: :1222423:

[Boscorelli]

Hi Rockford 2
Yours parents are still alive,which makes your situation far more difficult.Your mother's attitude was all WRONG about your serious case of pnuemonia.
If you can't say anything nice,than stay away,is a fact and a reality;only you can make a decision to 'break 'away and dissolve all communication with your parents.
This decision must be made with a lot of thought and preparation,considering all the consequences that will follow both for the present moment and the future.
This is not any easy push a button answer;only you know all the facts,players and hot key issues.
I was 21 years old when I washed my hands and walked away;they died thankfully when I was 27.I have never regretted walking away,never getting married or having children.
We refer to the average family as 'DYSFUNCTIONAL" before the woman's lib movement 1973 to the present.; the term 'bad marriage/broken home' was used .Alcoholism by one or both parents was always the under lying cause.
Both men and women are equally responsible for the outcome of the marriage;happy or tragic.The marriage vows are not taken seriously;instead of trying to work through their problems,they want a divorce;or have an adulterous affair.Children always pay the heavier price of their parents failure.

I do have a deep compassionate heart for you and what you are going through. Boscorelli

[Pandabear]

HELLO AND A THOUSAND WELCOMES PANDABEAR and ALL OUR POSTERS!!!!!

Together

We heal as we speak and listen with our hearts
We are lifted above the hurts by love above all
We feel here the warm embrace of fellowship
We are not judged we are understood
We are not at fault
We are good
We are
US~

Love, Grins
and US
to
US

:1222423: :1222423: :1222423: :1222423: :1222423: :1222423:


Thank you Grins!:happy0207: I'm going to copy this and keep it close to me. I've been feeling pretty rotten since sharing my DH's story with you fine people. Not from telling you about it, just from the sad memories it brought back for me. I needed this pick-me-up!

[rockford2]

There are a lot of people in denial and there are those that have selective memory. My ex has both......total denial of being abusive and selective memory regarding a lot of things that happened and actually has the nerve to tell me I am exagerating. Me, I remember like an elephant and those things will remain with me until I die. I truly don't understand how these people treated their children and then expect them to respect and take care of them now? It is just so, so sad when you hear of these things happening. These people who abuse children both physically and metally don't deserve to be called 'parents'. When I have time I will tell you about a murder case that my son was the foreman of the grand jury that convicted the murderer.:madranting94dp:


OMG!!!!!!!!! My father has this too! He really believes he never did anything to us while we were growing up! My mother has the selective memory part.

Several years ago, when my mom was still living in the house we lived in since I was 12 until age 20, I was looking for something, and found some really old ads that were cut from the local paper. They were RENT ADS for apartments that my sister and I had cut out and circled. I can STILL remember presenting those ads to my Mom......back in 1975, only a YEAR from living in that house that carry the worst of childhood memories. I can remember always wanting to live in a house and NOT an apartment, so why would I want to live back in an apartment after only a year of finally living in a HOME?

My father! Anyway, it was summer of '75' That was the ONLY summer my Mom had off from work. She still didn't drink as heavily as she did in the years to come, so it was like the 3 Musketeers that summer, and my BEST memories of my Mom and my sister. The summer of Janice Ian and the song..."At Seventeen" Rhinestone Cowboy..........

Anyway, we presented ads cut from the paper and literally BEGGED our mom to leave and we both said we would find jobs to help her pay the rent. I was 13 and my sister was 11. Jobs.....:1187603408.CR.Mothe

We said we would anything it took if my mom would leave our father, but she never did.


When I found those ads and showed them to my Mom, some 20+ years later, she glanced at them and said she couldn't remember that. :cray:

[Grins]

Thank you Grins!:happy0207: I'm going to copy this and keep it close to me. I've been feeling pretty rotten since sharing my DH's story with you fine people. Not from telling you about it, just from the sad memories it brought back for me. I needed this pick-me-up!You are appreciated and admired Pandabear. What you say helps me recover. This I have learned in years of delightful and painful 12 step meetings.

It hurts to lance a boil.
But we soon feel much better than before~stay with us as we fellowship and heal together.
It is still a mystery to me~but then, so is love~~

:1222423: This I offer as a sign of togetherness
with this :1222423:

[Boscorelli]

Hi Rockford 2
The 'selective memory',or "I can't or don't remember' is classic denial .Yes,as I said I have compassion on you.
The only time an alcoholic/drug addict will admit their wrong doing,is when they seriously commit to giving up their self inflicted addictions.When people who are alcoholics and drug addicts have a long history of addiction,they also now have severe medical problems,brought on by their addiction;heart disease,diabeties,arthritis,kidney problems etc.Compounded medical problems from addiction makes a total recovery from alcohol/drugs very difficult but not impossible.
We have a saturation of information about the risks/dangers of alcohol/drug addiction;yet people will continue to abuse themselves. It must be clearly understood,that these addicts don't care about anyone else,the pain/hurt and shame,they inflict.
You,Rockford 2,myself and all children who were and are the victums of child abuse,inflicted by parents,teachers etc. pay the heaviest price because we survived.
Fully recovery from alcohol/drug addiction may happen or not with your parents;they would have to admit what they did was wrong to you as a child.
Health care insurance is costly mainly due to alcohol/drug addiction,these are facts backed up by statistics.
Boscorelli

[grammybears]

I am so thankful for this thread. Whenever I think about the abuses I went through as a child, I hear about others and know that my abuse was so much less then others and I thank the Lord for helping me to get through my troubling youth. I had a friend that died last year and she told me about her abuse as a child. It was much worse then I have ever had to deal with. In looking at these type of issues now I know that I have been blessed to not have the abuse any worse then what I went through.
It has taken me a lot of years to come to this point and feel good about myself. I feel so bad for others who have not been able to move forward because of their abuse.
I know for me that when my children were little I was very harsh with them and tried to be a supermom. But in time with some counseling I learned to relax not only when it came to taking care of my home but my relationship with my children. When I finally finished counseling I told each of my girls how sorry I was for not being a better mother. All has been forgiven and we have moved forward. The relationship with the oldest became the best right up to her death. My middle child was always a hard one but for some reason I have seen a real change in her in the last year. She always tells me she loves and appreciates me. This is a new action for her and I will never complain about it. I always wonder what brought this on but I am forever grateful.
My youngest and I were always really close. But during this last year she has been going through somethings that are not healthy, but I do not say anything about those issues. I concentrate on how her and her kids are doing and how the kids are doing in school and so forth. We usually have dinner together once a month and I pray that someday she will be able to work through her problems.

I suspect if we all looked around us we would find many people who have suffered much worse then we did. The most horrendous cases to me are the ones where the children have been abused so bad that they never recover or die at the hands of their abusers.
I believe the issue of the dysfunctional family is becoming more common place then we would like to think but I believe that is a result of parents not wanting to grow up and be adults to their children. Children need parents who truly love them as well as wanting what is best for their children. Children need structure and that does not include beatings or expecting them to do things such as housework and the such at too young of age.
Both my parents are gone now. I have one sister dying because of diabetes and how she has taken care of herself and another who had to have a kidney transplant as well as other problems. I love both of my sisters but have chosen to have very limited contact with either one. I made some very hard decisions in my life because that is the only way I could survive.

I almost think of all of you here as my best friends and family.
This board and another one I am on has literally saved me.
I cut myself some slack and do not continue to blame myself anymore for things in the past. That is where they will stay now.
I try to look for the good in everybody and try not to judge anyone. I have no right to judge anyone because I have not been in their shoes. Even with my sisters I will not judge them, because there is no way I can get inside their heads and see where they are coming from.

I appreciate all of you hear and am so grateful for your friendships.
Be kind to yourself and try to find things that makes you happy.

grammybear

[grammybears]

I hole noone took offense at my last post. I am not trying to minimize the abuse of any survivors here, I am just saying when looking at abuse it is easy to find other cases that were much worse then our own.
I did not live with an alcoholic parent, but I did have parents that had a lot of anger and controlling issues. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to live with an alcoholic or drug abuse parents. I believe those type of cases would be hard to deal with since when a person drinks or uses drugs it is like they have become another person. How does a child live with this?

If I offended anyone please accept my apology because that has not been my way of thinking.

[Grins]

Hello and a warm Welcome Grammybears!!
...... :hifive: ..... :love0085: ..... :howdy:
No offense taken. I said something similar recently. Of course each abuse is disaster to that one and it is understood.
The fact that my abuse was not as bad as others is not a comparison merely a sense of appreciation for fellow sufferers and understanding separate from my pain.

What abuse did to me was imprint unhealthy and false beliefs on my thinking processes which influenced every moment of my life thereafter in a damaging way.

Recovery is changing those beliefs to healthy true ones.
My beliefs>cause my >thinking>cause my>feelings>cause my>behavior.

For 59 years I tried to change my behavior without changing my beliefs and always failed.
Now, I succeed~

[rockford2]

I am so thankful for this thread. Whenever I think about the abuses I went through as a child, I hear about others and know that my abuse was so much less then others and I thank the Lord for helping me to get through my troubling youth. I had a friend that died last year and she told me about her abuse as a child. It was much worse then I have ever had to deal with. In looking at these type of issues now I know that I have been blessed to not have the abuse any worse then what I went through.
It has taken me a lot of years to come to this point and feel good about myself. I feel so bad for others who have not been able to move forward because of their abuse.
I know for me that when my children were little I was very harsh with them and tried to be a supermom. But in time with some counseling I learned to relax not only when it came to taking care of my home but my relationship with my children. When I finally finished counseling I told each of my girls how sorry I was for not being a better mother. All has been forgiven and we have moved forward. The relationship with the oldest became the best right up to her death. My middle child was always a hard one but for some reason I have seen a real change in her in the last year. She always tells me she loves and appreciates me. This is a new action for her and I will never complain about it. I always wonder what brought this on but I am forever grateful.
My youngest and I were always really close. But during this last year she has been going through somethings that are not healthy, but I do not say anything about those issues. I concentrate on how her and her kids are doing and how the kids are doing in school and so forth. We usually have dinner together once a month and I pray that someday she will be able to work through her problems.

I suspect if we all looked around us we would find many people who have suffered much worse then we did. The most horrendous cases to me are the ones where the children have been abused so bad that they never recover or die at the hands of their abusers.
I believe the issue of the dysfunctional family is becoming more common place then we would like to think but I believe that is a result of parents not wanting to grow up and be adults to their children. Children need parents who truly love them as well as wanting what is best for their children. Children need structure and that does not include beatings or expecting them to do things such as housework and the such at too young of age.
Both my parents are gone now. I have one sister dying because of diabetes and how she has taken care of herself and another who had to have a kidney transplant as well as other problems. I love both of my sisters but have chosen to have very limited contact with either one. I made some very hard decisions in my life because that is the only way I could survive.

I almost think of all of you here as my best friends and family.
This board and another one I am on has literally saved me.
I cut myself some slack and do not continue to blame myself anymore for things in the past. That is where they will stay now.
I try to look for the good in everybody and try not to judge anyone. I have no right to judge anyone because I have not been in their shoes. Even with my sisters I will not judge them, because there is no way I can get inside their heads and see where they are coming from.

I appreciate all of you hear and am so grateful for your friendships.
Be kind to yourself and try to find things that makes you happy.

grammybear


what I wouldn't give to hear those two little words from my mother's mouth or my dad's mouth....."I'm sorry." I'm glad you were able to say that to your
kids, Gram.

[rockford2]

Hello and a warm Welcome Grammybears!!
...... :hifive: ..... :love0085: ..... :howdy:
No offense taken. I said something similar recently. Of course each abuse is disaster to that one and it is understood.
The fact that my abuse was not as bad as others is not a comparison merely a sense of appreciation for fellow sufferers and understanding separate from my pain.

What abuse did to me was imprint unhealthy and false beliefs on my thinking processes which influenced every moment of my life thereafter in a damaging way.

Recovery is changing those beliefs to healthy true ones.
My beliefs>cause my >thinking>cause my>feelings>cause my>behavior.

For 59 years I tried to change my behavior without changing my beliefs and always failed.
Now, I succeed~

and you're one of the reasons I keep posting, Grins. Your stories help me to better understand my parents and their actions. I can't say 'thank you' enough! :love0085:

[rockford2]

Hi Rockford 2
Yours parents are still alive,which makes your situation far more difficult.Your mother's attitude was all WRONG about your serious case of pnuemonia.
If you can't say anything nice,than stay away,is a fact and a reality;only you can make a decision to 'break 'away and dissolve all communication with your parents.
This decision must be made with a lot of thought and preparation,considering all the consequences that will follow both for the present moment and the future.
This is not any easy push a button answer;only you know all the facts,players and hot key issues.
I was 21 years old when I washed my hands and walked away;they died thankfully when I was 27.I have never regretted walking away,never getting married or having children.
We refer to the average family as 'DYSFUNCTIONAL" before the woman's lib movement 1973 to the present.; the term 'bad marriage/broken home' was used .Alcoholism by one or both parents was always the under lying cause.
Both men and women are equally responsible for the outcome of the marriage;happy or tragic.The marriage vows are not taken seriously;instead of trying to work through their problems,they want a divorce;or have an adulterous affair.Children always pay the heavier price of their parents failure.

I do have a deep compassionate heart for you and what you are going through. Boscorelli


yep. Both are still alive. I believe my father has abused his body to the point where the man is 68 years old and looks 10-15 years older. My mother has become the wonderful 'cafeteria lady.' I wouldn't trade either one of them for their lives and it's all caused by them. I tried. I really did. Thank you, Boscorelli.

[grammybears]

Hello and a warm Welcome Grammybears!!
...... :hifive: ..... :love0085: ..... :howdy:
No offense taken. I said something similar recently. Of course each abuse is disaster to that one and it is understood.
The fact that my abuse was not as bad as others is not a comparison merely a sense of appreciation for fellow sufferers and understanding separate from my pain.

What abuse did to me was imprint unhealthy and false beliefs on my thinking processes which influenced every moment of my life thereafter in a damaging way.

Recovery is changing those beliefs to healthy true ones.
My beliefs>cause my >thinking>cause my>feelings>cause my>behavior.

For 59 years I tried to change my behavior without changing my beliefs and always failed.
Now, I succeed~

I have always enjoyed your posts. Child abuse is very hard to get over. It is not so much physical but the emotional. When children are abused they do not trust other people and I also believe that it affects their self worth. I do not believe there is a crime as horrendous as abuse and killing of a small child. I have tried to figure out where these people are coming from but there is no reason good enough to abuse and kill.

I have found in my own life that it has taken me awhile to heal and in many ways I feel like the abuse has made me a stronger person. I can pick up on an abuser and if I see or hear of a child being abused I have no problem turning them in. I feel like if someone gets involved and helps them to deal with their issues then there is a good chance that their childhood will survive and make it to adulthood.
It is the cases like what we read about everyday where a child is killed that really tears at my heart. No child deserves to be abused.

[grammybears]

what I wouldn't give to hear those two little words from my mother's mouth or my dad's mouth....."I'm sorry." I'm glad you were able to say that to your
kids, Gram.

Hi rockford2,

I know this has been a big struggle for you and I wish there was some way to help you so you did not have to suffer anymore.

When I finally got finished with my counseling I decided that with all I had been through and how far I had come, I knew that my girls were suffering in some ways. It showed in their behavior. I owed it to my girls to ask for their forgiveness and forge on to a much better future with my family. I didnot want to lose touch and I wanted to know my grandchildren. I knew it was the only way we were going to move past what we had gone through and it helped to make new memories for the future.

There were many things left unsaid with my parents and I vowed that was not going to happen with my girls. I was so angry with my mom that it took me four years to even think about her without being mad.

For some people they act like they did nothing wrong in the past. Some are into so much denial that there is no getting through to them. That is too bad because them being older there would be time to make good memories with their family.
We don't get to pick who our parents are and we have to deal with the situation we are born into.
I thought you had written at one time about trying again with your family. If I am wrong I apologize, but if you were, I prayed that the outcome would be good between you and your family and I am so sorry it did not work out.
Just remember you have made the effort and it is your parents who are deciding the future. There is something deep down inside of people who can not apologize for wrong doing or are in complete denial. I kind of look at it as this is an ugly portion of their personality.

Your parents do not even realize what a wonderful daughter you are and how they are missing out on knowing their grandchildren.

Just know that we all love you and know how special you are.
Please be kind to yourself and always be happy

grammybear

[Grins]

Bless you Grammybears for your kindness, wisdom and love which I experience right now; you are helping me to heal. It is a process which is why it is important we gather here as Recovering Friends.

[Boscorelli]

Hi Rockford 2
Untill the 1960's the phrase that people used to 'justify turn a blind eye to child abuse was this: '...after all they are your parents and they did the best they could...'
In the 1950's another dangerous psychological theory became part of the american way of life.'....have another child it will only bring happiness into your life...'
Alfred Hitchcock's PSYCHO ( 1960's) finally brought the reality of truth upfront;the seeds of emotional destruction are sown in and by the family.
People found the denying the truth that their parents abused them,or they didn't come from a 'happy family'; was a coping stratergy,that did work for sometime; like a car going downhill,with your foot off the gas pedal;the physics law of gravity and momentum take over;but eventually the car stops.
What was once considered 'good psychology' is not only outdated but dangerous.Frued was once always quoted as the 'know all; but now he has been 'debunked'
When you say your mother is a 'cafeteria lady' is that the same as a 'cafeteria christian' one who carefully selectes what they wish to believe as truth???
Are your parents senior citizens? Do they expect you to take care of them,when and if the time comes;pretending nothing bad ever happened??
Your parents owe you the truth admit what they did was wrong;more so for their own spiritual peace of mind and mental stability. The past can never be changed,as much as we would like to change it.
WE can only change ourselves and live in the PRESENT which are the stepping stones,to the future.

Boscorelli

[Roenick]

I thought of this thread last night... hubby and I went to dinner at a place we frequent regularly. The waitress is young, has a 4 yr old son and her husband was a Marine and going to school to get into SWAT.

Well he made it but with working, school and other things he hasn't been home much and when he is he doesn't act like a family man.
She asked him to leave on Friday night.
She hasn't had time to process it yet as she has been working all weekend and while at home she has to take care of her son. She just wanted him once to come home and say that he wanted to be there and make it work. He never did.

She started to tear up talking about it. But she said ultimately, it's the best thing for all of them - especially her son.
It's a little bit more info than we really want from a casual waitress but I'm glad she opened up and we could listen to her in a mostly impartcial way.


She said he wasn't mean to her or the son but the lack of emotion, care and desire to be a family was worse than if he beat her. It just wasn't working and she wants her son to feel love and safe.

[KYGramma]

I thought of this thread last night... hubby and I went to dinner at a place we frequent regularly. The waitress is young, has a 4 yr old son and her husband was a Marine and going to school to get into SWAT.

Well he made it but with working, school and other things he hasn't been home much and when he is he doesn't act like a family man.
She asked him to leave on Friday night.
She hasn't had time to process it yet as she has been working all weekend and while at home she has to take care of her son. She just wanted him once to come home and say that he wanted to be there and make it work. He never did.

She started to tear up talking about it. But she said ultimately, it's the best thing for all of them - especially her son.
It's a little bit more info than we really want from a casual waitress but I'm glad she opened up and we could listen to her in a mostly impartcial way.


She said he wasn't mean to her or the son but the lack of emotion, care and desire to be a family was worse than if he beat her. It just wasn't working and she wants her son to feel love and safe.

Bless her heart and kudos for having the nerve/sense to move on.:tender:

[Boscorelli]

Hi Roenick
The waitress' marriage is on the fast track to divorce.
1. Her husband a Marine now a member of SWAT.
2.A SWAT team member is an on call 24/7 job and extremely demanding.
3. She's a waitress and there is a 4 year old child.
This couple has now nothing more in common,he's moving on with his career choice.While being a waitress is a very good job,what are her future job opportunity prospects??? Service personal jobs make ends meet mostly by 'tips'.
THe beginings of child abuse has all ready begun=friction in the marriage.Again this is a classic case where people rush into situations which they haven't prepared themselves for, namely paranthood.
This waitress was wrong to speak of her personal/private life while serveing her customers.This waitress should be seeking professional counselling; not pouring out her pain while refilling a coffee cup and serveing a meal.
Both parties in this lopsided marriage are equally responsible for the failure and this child will pay the PRICE.

Boscorelli

[Don]

Hi Roenick
The waitress' marriage is on the fast track to divorce.
1. Her husband a Marine now a member of SWAT.
2.A SWAT team member is an on call 24/7 job and extremely demanding.
3. She's a waitress and there is a 4 year old child.
This couple has now nothing more in common,he's moving on with his career choice.While being a waitress is a very good job,what are her future job opportunity prospects??? Service personal jobs make ends meet mostly by 'tips'.
THe beginings of child abuse has all ready begun=friction in the marriage.Again this is a classic case where people rush into situations which they haven't prepared themselves for, namely paranthood.
This waitress was wrong to speak of her personal/private life while serveing her customers.This waitress should be seeking professional counselling; not pouring out her pain while refilling a coffee cup and serveing a meal.
Both parties in this lopsided marriage are equally responsible for the failure and this child will pay the PRICE.

Boscorelli

Im sorry about this but I saw this post the other day and its been bugging me.

The waitress' marriage is on the fast track to divorce.
If shes asked him to leave then youre probably right
1. Her husband a Marine now a member of SWAT.
yes
2.A SWAT team member is an on call 24/7 job and extremely demanding.
yes, but whats that got to do with anything? so is being a parent
3. She's a waitress and there is a 4 year old child.
yes
This couple has now nothing more in common,
yes
he's moving on with his career choice.
well thats alright then
While being a waitress is a very good job,what are her future job opportunity prospects???
Service personal jobs make ends meet mostly by 'tips'.
Wtf has that got to do with being a good parent?
THe beginings of child abuse has all ready begun=friction in the marriage.
All marraiges have friction at some time or other,does that mean all children are abused?
Again this is a classic case where people rush into situations which they haven't prepared themselves for, namely paranthood.
Is anyone ever really prepared for parenthood.you can read as many books and listen to as much advise as you can but that wont actually prepare you for raising a child and all that intails, we all muddle through as best we can and hope we do are doing the right thing.
This waitress was wrong to speak of her personal/private life while serveing her customers.
I shouldnt think it was a case of 'Can I help you, and by the way these are all my problems'
This waitress should be seeking professional counselling; not pouring out her pain while refilling a coffee cup and serveing a meal.
why would she want or need professional counselling? sometimes all people want is a sounding board
Both parties in this lopsided marriage are equally responsible for the failure and this child will pay the PRICE.
now to use your phrase, this is a classic case of someone assuming, Why are they equally responsible? From what was said it seems the guy is putting himself and job over family.
I know a lot of single parents whos kids have Not paid the price, whatever that means.

the reason I posted this is because when I was born my father was in the army, I was 3 when he was home for good, he was very much like that guy, his only concern was him. If my Mum had kicked him out then it would have saved 8 years of abuse for all of us.
when they finally split up my Mum got a job as a waitress on low income and she done a damn good job of raising 4 kids without any job prospects the only things we went without were material things which when it boils down to it mean absolutly nothing.
The price I paid, I swore that I would never treat women or kids the way I/we were, Ive been happily married for 28yrs, Ive got 2 boys that have never been in trouble and treat people with respect (well the 13 year old trys it on sometimes).
Although I work we also foster children, weve looked after over 65 children in the past 18 years, and I would say that the majority would not be in care if the mothers had got rid of the husband at the first signs instead of letting things drag on.
So to my mind purely going by what was said the'waitress' is doing the right thing,

[Roenick]

ugh... I posted this because it reminded of the posters a few pages back talking about leaving a relationship or settling.
If this young lady can ask her husband to leave for the better of them all, then anyone can. No matter how hard it is or will be.



If her son wasn't taken care of she wouldn't worry about staying strong and going home to him after school and work, she'd go out and party or whatever to get over her hurt.

I think it's a little harsh to say she is just a service person... she is in school. And while none of us know the history of her relationship - she and her husband may have had an agreement that she'd work in a flexible job while he went to school for the police dept.
PLUS this isn't a cheap little restaurant.

Every marriage and relationship has problems and friction. She at least took a step to rid it from the house at an early enough stage.
People grow and change a different times and speed. Maybe they had it all worked out and he changed drastically?

I disagree about talking to us, her customers, about her life. It was casual at first... and I think it just slipped out. I don't mind at all and was glad she could talk about it. Sometimes that is all people need.
We've had her before and she's very nice and does her job well.

I believe the child is loved and raised with manners and disapline. He will be fine... probably better than quite a few other children with young moms or both parents.
I don't fault either of these people. I do hope that he learns how to deal with the stress of his job and family. But as much as she opened up, it's really only up to them.




Don... Your mom did good! I wish you and your wife many many more years of happiness and love.

[rockford2]

Hi rockford2,

I know this has been a big struggle for you and I wish there was some way to help you so you did not have to suffer anymore.

When I finally got finished with my counseling I decided that with all I had been through and how far I had come, I knew that my girls were suffering in some ways. It showed in their behavior. I owed it to my girls to ask for their forgiveness and forge on to a much better future with my family. I didnot want to lose touch and I wanted to know my grandchildren. I knew it was the only way we were going to move past what we had gone through and it helped to make new memories for the future.

There were many things left unsaid with my parents and I vowed that was not going to happen with my girls. I was so angry with my mom that it took me four years to even think about her without being mad.

For some people they act like they did nothing wrong in the past. Some are into so much denial that there is no getting through to them. That is too bad because them being older there would be time to make good memories with their family.
We don't get to pick who our parents are and we have to deal with the situation we are born into.
I thought you had written at one time about trying again with your family. If I am wrong I apologize, but if you were, I prayed that the outcome would be good between you and your family and I am so sorry it did not work out.
Just remember you have made the effort and it is your parents who are deciding the future. There is something deep down inside of people who can not apologize for wrong doing or are in complete denial. I kind of look at it as this is an ugly portion of their personality.

Your parents do not even realize what a wonderful daughter you are and how they are missing out on knowing their grandchildren.

Just know that we all love you and know how special you are.
Please be kind to yourself and always be happy

grammybear

You have a good memory, Grammy! I did post on the Court board, (when it was called that) that I was going to try with my parents again---but sadly it never happened with either of them. I use the word, 'sadly' loosely with my father, as I knew it would never go anywhere as the man truly believes he never did anything wrong. My Mom? She went right back to her verbal abusive ways several months ago......and now my 14 year old son heard it and wants nothing to do with her. He's afraid of her! Doesn't understand how/why a person can turn on a dime.

[Boscorelli]

Hi Rockford 2
I give you a lot of credit for trying to talk to your parents about the child abuse they inflicted on you. Your parents are in the CLASSIC DENIAL
when you were a child a parent's authority was never questioned,either by the school,police etc.
Your 14 year old son has every right to be afraid of his grandparents and he should not be forced to see them There are certain STATES that say grandparents have a legal right to see the grandchild;but I disagree with this legal loophole.
When your son asks you questions,be very open and honest with him,child abuse can never be justified.
Child abuse was studied shortly after World War 11 1945.They saw the affects in the concentration camps as well as those people who lived through and survived the war.
People were desensitized =a coping stratergy to survive. Child psychology was born as a distinct form of pyschology in 1948 and has become an ever growing changeing science.
My parents did not apologize to me and they are now DEAD.My mother's brother tried to make every excuse for their behavior.I didn't accept then as I will accept an excuse for child abuse today.
Only after your parents are dead,will most of the pain subside.Soon both Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here once again;and we all must pretend that we have wonderfull loving families.
One bright note there is DIVINE JUSTICE. There is a place called HELL

Boscorelli

[rockford2]

it's funny, but i never suffered from low self esteem as a child. Somehow I knew, deep inside, that life didn't have to be that way for everyone. For instance, my cousin never talked about sleeping in her street clothes, keeping the rotary phone next to her bed, or keeping an emergency phone number with her at all times when at home.

I never heard my Uncle tell her that she'd "never amount to anything," or put her down in any way. I never set that bar for happiness far from reach, Boscorelli. I wanted it, and I felt I deserved it!

I tried to kill myself when I was 13 years of age. Was intent on going through it, and mad as hell when it didn't work. My mother's reaction when I told her I was sicker than a dog, "Maybe that will teach you." Why did I do it? I felt like I was getting 'it' from both ends of the barrel: school and home. Nobody to turn to. No friends. No adults to talk it out with.

I have a wonderful life now, and I have had it good for the past 26 years. Sometimes a memory will trigger a nightmare. And yes, I have told my son just about everything from my childhood...just recently.

[Grins]

How did you begin to recover Rockford?
How did you handle the suicidal thinking?

[rockford2]

How did you begin to recover Rockford?
How did you handle the suicidal thinking?

I guess my sitting in my bedroom.....in the basement, or constant crying, OR the fact that would never get into the car with my parents again until I turned 17, was some kind of wake up call to my Mom, because one day she told me she was taking me to some Youth In Crisis center.

BUT! I had to promise her that I would never talk about what was going on in the house.:shrug1: So I sat there like a mope. Of course the counselor thought I was a 'wack job' and told my Mom that I was 'seriously depressed' and had a 'deep fear of people.' She wanted me to attend sessions more often and I told my Mom that if i did that, I needed to open up about everything that bothered me such as: her drinking, her memory loss when she drank, her moods when she drank, the beatings from my father, the fear that both my sister and I had, the wanting to move away from both set of parents.
My mom called my bluff. One day they wanted to see HER! and after that, I never went back to that place.
High schoo and music.,.as weird as that sounds, were my salvation. That, and caring about my Great-Aunt, who would never 'baby' me, but tried to teach me to stand up for myself.

I did forget something. I finally stuck up for myself about 6-7 years ago, when I told my father everything he never wanted to hear. My mother, whom I was caring for at the time, defended HIM!

When I got into high school, I made many friends. I soon learned that other kids had the same crazy things happening in their homes as well. Plus I as I got older, things at home got worse, and nobody seemed to care where I was, so I stayed away from home as much as I could.

[Boscorelli]

Hi Rockford 2
First let me say you are NO "wack job',who ever this counselor was was wrong.Your mother threatens you with placeing you in a 'youth in crises' center and then your mother states your were never to speak about the abuse. It wasn't a fear of people,that you were suffering from; but the parent/child relationship of trust that your parents violated and severed.This is what caused you to try to commit suicide.
You made friends and enjoyed high school and music were very important positives;just knowing that other people also came from the same or similar households.
The most important thing though is:you spoke your mind 6 or 7 years ago and confronted your parents:zm10:
:happy0158: That your life has gone well for the last 26 years and your relationship with your son is a healthy one.
Boscorelli

[rockford2]

Hi Rockford 2
First let me say you are NO "wack job',who ever this counselor was was wrong.Your mother threatens you with placeing you in a 'youth in crises' center and then your mother states your were never to speak about the abuse. It wasn't a fear of people,that you were suffering from; but the parent/child relationship of trust that your parents violated and severed.This is what caused you to try to commit suicide.
You made friends and enjoyed high school and music were very important positives;just knowing that other people also came from the same or similar households.
The most important thing though is:you spoke your mind 6 or 7 years ago and confronted your parents:zm10:
:happy0158: That your life has gone well for the last 26 years and your relationship with your son is a healthy one.
Boscorelli

thanks, Boscorelli. I used that term, 'wack job' but I'm sure the 70's had another term for it... I think we used, 'weirdo.' :wink: I don't think that counselors back then had a clue as to what to do for kids such as myself. If you think about it, this was back in the beginning of '76' and those counselors were coming from an era of large families and everyone sat down to dinner together and blah blah.

Must be a good thing that my son rarely listens to music and I would have to say that music was such a salvation for me at his age.

[Boscorelli]

Hi Rockford 2
In the 1970's,9 out of 10 conversations began with'.......well my pyscho/therapist said this.... or I should have done that ...'etc. .
All defense pyschiatrists/ologists,therapists =hired guns have spouted such 'crap'.,instead of speaking the truth. These people have no interest in 'cureing their patient;but instead dangle them for $150.00 an hour;along with prescription medication.
Good mental health begins with a clear conscience and the strong desire to do the right thing,not morally compromiseing,to keep people happy;be they family,friends,neighbors,co-workers etc.
We are living in very stressfull times of uncertainty;each person has been and will be affected in different ways.No two people are the same. Nipping a problem in the 'bud' is important;before it becomes a problem.
All of us are being pulled in different directions at once and it can become confuseing,if you let it.
Your parents may never apologize to you,so don't look for it.You have proved that you are much stronger/wiser and a far better parent then they were:zm10: Keep up the good work... Boscorelli